Obsession
by BeSmiley
Summary: Pansy is fed up with everything so she decides to become the strong and hardworking girl she was before Draco Malfoy happened. Along the way, she'll find an unlikely ally and a better future than she could have dreamed of.
1. Chapter 1: New Beginning

**Hello!**

**Here is a new fiction I've been working on since a few weeks. I only have the first chapter and a lot of ideas which I don't really know how to put together. I decided to post the first chapter in order to see if I'm going on a good road with this story and to see the reactions you guys will have. :)** **Pansy will be the main character, tough Hermione will be featured quite strongly too.**

**First, I'd like to say that Scarlett Byrnes is definitely the person I see when I talk about Pansy (though Pansy doesn't think she's as beautiful as Scarlett Byrnes- low self-confidence hum hum).**

**Second, I guess it's an AU since I gave Pansy a sister, and I made up a university. Also, the characters may be a little OOC even though I'm trying hard not to make them.**

**Third, I created a poll to help me chose with who Pansy will end up with. Even though I'm strongly leaning towards a muggle OC I'd really like to know what you guys think. :)** **I really appreciated all the reviews for Walking in circle, thank you all so much :)** **I hope you enjoy this chapter :) and I'm sorry for all the spoilers in this very long author note :P**

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**Chapter 1 : New Beginning**

"_So here's to new beginnings_

_And here's to breaking free_

_Let's chase a new horizon,_

_Chase who we're meant to be"_

_New Beginnings- Luminate_

I always needed to have an obsession. When I was in my first year at Hogwarts it was to have good grades, in my second year it was to put Severus Snape in my pocket, in my third year I wanted nothing more than for Draco Malfoy to love me. And this last need or obsession was my downfall. The more he rejected me, the more I wanted him. Our relationship, if I could call it this way, was unhealthy. To him I was nothing but a whore who shared his bed while to me he was everything. Now in my eight year I could do nothing but take every psychological blow he gave me. I quickly wiped the tears which suddenly sprang free from behind my close eyelids.

Everything had changed when I saw him, not an hour ago, coming into the Great Hall his arms draped around the Weasley girl, and kissing her. It hurt me to see that he looked much happier than I ever saw him before.

Obviously, Ronald Weasley stood up straight away from his seat at the Gryffondor table and started screaming and admonishing his sister. I wouldn't know how it ended though as I had left the room right away, the look of pure love and happiness he sported burned into my eyelids.

_What did Weasley have more than me? Was she more beautiful? More clever? Wittier?_ _Maybe it's her kindness…_ I huffed, and with a groan I stood up and made my way to the floor length mirror in the corner of the room.

I knew that I wasn't the most beautiful girl of the school but looking at my reflection now just made me see myself in a whole new light…. I was far uglier than what I thought. I was small and had a bit of extra pounds. My wavy hair was unruly, dry and a dark shade of brown, it looked like I hadn't brushed them since last year. It looked like I still had baby fat on my cheeks. My eyes were big and a dull green, and my teeth uneven. It made me want to cry, and I finally allowed myself to let my tears fall freely, after many years of repressing them. Whoever said that the inside was more important than the outside never attended Hogwarts apparently, and he definitely never met Draco Malfoy.

Then again, I'm not sure why I'm so surprised and hurt. It was obvious since the beginning that Draco would never love me. But still for him I changed, trying to be the girl he wanted. From the shy, nice and hardworking little girl I became the mean, bully and love-struck fangirl.

I hate who I became, I just wish I could go back in time and change my mind, tell my younger self that if someone loves you it's for who you truly are and not for some fantasy.

I know I should have felt regretful before everything that happened today and even though I was a bit, never to this extent. He humiliated me for the last time and I guess it was the last straw. I can't take any more pain. I wouldn't be able to win him back even if I wanted anyway. Next to Ginevra Weasley I don't stand a chance.

I think what is worst in the story is that he didn't even bother breaking up with me beforehand. When he kissed her the whole student body looked at me waiting for me to throw a tantrum or say something… I guess I disappointed them. I didn't do anything. I was already up because I had finished eating. At that moment I felt numb and empty, and maybe a bit nauseous. So I just walked out of the room like nothing happened, my head held high.

Now that I really think about it, maybe I can go back to being myself, be who I was before, be me, Pansy Scarlett Parkinson. After all, if I became a bully it's only because I wanted him to love me and since he made it obvious that he despised me it was only fair that I start living my life again. I should have never changed for him anyway, the only result it all had was my heart breaking in thousand pieces, scattered around England.

Anyway, the one good thing with the Christmas holidays being in a week is the fact that I won't see his face again for two whole weeks. Everything will be better. I will be able to go back home, mend my broken heart, maybe work a bit to raise my grades even though they were acceptable, and take care properly of Gardenia, my little sister. She's five but contrary to me nobody knows of her because she is a squib. My parents didn't want to have our name degraded by that. It's finally time I show her that I don't think she's worthless, she's actually the person I love most even if I never showed her.

Stopping my train of thoughts Daphne Greengrass stormed in the eight year girl's dormitory.

"Pansy! I'm sorry!" She said in her annoying voice, faking concern. She had a small smile which showed me that she was indeed nothing but a hypocrite and a liar.

"Don't you worry Daphne, I'm okay." _I guess I'm like_ _her_, I thought, laughing internally.

"Are you sure? When you ran away everyone started whispering about you and about how heartbroken you were. So I walked as fast as I could to comfort you." She said, putting a hand over her heart.

I raised an eyebrow shaking my head. Was she serious? I was here since one _HOUR_ and surely the walk from the great hall to here didn't take that long.

"Daphne I didn't run away. I had finished eating." I replied, rolling my eyes. Well, I had taken the decision to get back to myself a few minutes ago and I was already the strong willed, witty, and sarcastic eleven year old I was before.

"Oh please we all know that you love him." She said, maliciously, sitting on her bed, while making a show of looking at her manicured nails.

"Even if I loved him it wouldn't be any of your concern now if you can please leave me alone I'd appreciate it." I said, harshly.

She huffed and went away, but not before slamming the door. I rolled my eyes again and went to sit down on my bed. _What a drama queen…_

Anyway, it was time for me to start planning a future.

I took a notebook out of my bag and opened it, revealing my cursive yet round writing. I didn't open that book since I was fourteen but I always carried it with me anyway. It was my diary from when I was little and it was precious to me. I flicked it until I was at the last page where I had dressed a list of the things I wished to do and accomplish in the future.

_Dreams:_

_1\. Graduate from Hogwarts_

_2\. Go to Witchcraft University_

_3\. Run Witch Weekly magazine_

_4\. Create my own magazine_

_5\. Marry the love of my life and have children_

_6\. Own a library_

_7\. Have 12 house elves_

_8\. Go out with Draco Malfoy_

_9\. Have Draco Malfoy as my first kiss_

_10\. Marry Draco Malfoy_

_11\. Be happy…._

I looked at the last one and smiled slowly. I had written my eleventh "dream" when I was fourteen after I saw Draco kiss some girl from Slytherin. Without Draco now I was going to be happy and I couldn't wait for it to happen.

Suddenly a thought occurred to me. The deadline to apply to a university in the wizarding world was in a week. I had to proceed quickly if I wanted a chance to achieve some of my dreams.

I quickly went to search into my trunk for the pamphlet which the teachers gave us. Witchcraft University was the best magical university in the whole world and fortunately they had a journalism course. I took the applying form which was with the pamphlets and filled it. I quickly decided that I would go ask every professor for a recommendation letter tomorrow, until one would nicely agree. Once I finished my applications I decided to go to sleep, hopefully avoiding all those obnoxious Slytherin girls who would surely come and bother me.

I now had a new obsession but thankfully this one was much healthier than the last one. I was now inclined to do everything that was in my power to help my little sister have the life she deserved. Tomorrow would be a better day.

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**I hope you all liked it. Let me know what you think by leaving a review :P :) **

**And if any of you is interested in beta reading this, PM me! :D And sorry for the lack of Hermione.**

**Have a nice day/night!**

**PS: The Poll is closed!**


	2. Chapter 2: The bitch is back

**Hey ! :)**

**Two chapters in two days! Woop Woop! :P xD So I'd like to thank Kaoru Takeda and starboy454 for reviewing and to the people who favorite and followed this story :)**

**starboy454:**** Thank you :)**

**Kaoru Takeda****: Thank you ! :) I read some stories with Pansy's point of you but she was always a bit fragile or too OOC. Not that she won't be a bit here, because I tried creating a depth to this character which JK obviously thought didn't exist (I'm not bashing JK xD) and I'm not sure if I'm doing a very good job at describing her feelings. And I couldn't help the HHR xD I'm a fan!**

**I don't own anything or else there would obviously be more HHR and I just love Elton's song! :D**

**Anyway, on to the chapter! ****Hope you enjoy!**

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**Chapter 2: The bitch is back**

"_I'm a bitch, I'm a bitch_

_Oh the bitch is back_

_Stone cold sober as a matter of fact_

_I can bitch, I can bitch_

_'Cause I'm better than you_

_It's the way that I move_

_The things that I do"_

_The bitch is back – Elton John_

"Thank you so much Professor." I smiled sweetly at McGonagall and went on my way. The old Transfiguration teacher had been surprisingly very nice about that letter and had agreed to write it faster than I thought. I smiled. Today was a pretty good day!

I ran to the Slytherin common room and into my dorm, falling in front of my trunk. I opened it quickly and took the university application from it. I reread it quickly, watching out for any mistake, did the same with my cover letter and smiled satisfied. I had just recuperated my recommendations letters from Snape, McGonagall, Vector and the old Flitwhick which I had asked them to write this morning. I put every paper in an envelope and went to the owlery. Once my letter was on her way, safely tucked on an owl's paw, I decided to go eat lunch before going to study in the library. If I wanted to secure that place in WU I had to pass my N.E.W.T with flying colors!

"Parkinson." I heard Draco drawl from behind me. Here went my hope of avoiding him. Then again, it wasn't surprising to see him around since we were in front of the Slytherin common room.

"What do you want?" I asked, turning around slightly to look at him. He looked dashing, as usual. His grey eyes were trained on me, watching me like a hawk. Surprisingly he was alone, his little girlfriend not hanging out of his arm.

"Where are you going?" He asked.

"Great hall though I don't think it concerns you." I answered spitefully even though seeing him still sent chills running up my spine.

"I wanted to talk to you." He replied as if he didn't hear me, moving closer until he was in the perfect distance to have a quiet chat without anyone overhearing.

I sighed slightly, looking around in hopes that some people would interrupt us. Unfortunately for me, the cold corridor was abandoned.

"Look, Draco, I'm not sure why you're talking to me since you never really bothered to do it before but I actually _need_ to go." I told him, stressing the word 'need'. I hoped to whatever god there was that he didn't hear the small tremor in my voice.

I didn't wait for an answer anyway and nearly ran away from him. Suddenly, I didn't feel that hungry so I headed to the library instead, hoping that doing my homework would get him out of my mind. Avoiding him physically was easy –until now- but psychically it was another matter entirely.

I had done enough crying yesterday, I needed to be strong now. It might take me weeks or years but I would get over him_. I had to._ I took a deep breath and opened the library doors.

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She couldn't understand them. Weren't they best friend since seven years? Maybe it didn't mean that much to them. Maybe she made that all up in her head. She sighed harshly while rolling her eyes and walked into the library. She quickly found a deserted table and threw her bag loudly on it, sitting down and waving an apology to Madam Pince who was surprised by her uncharacteristic behavior.

"Are you okay?" Someone asked.

Hermione looked up at the harsh voice. "Why shouldn't I be?" She asked, raising an eyebrow defiantly.

Parkinson rolled her eyes and went back to her schoolwork, shaking her head while the Gryffindor looked around again, deep in thoughts.

Best friends…. Maybe they didn't even know what it meant. Or maybe she didn't… She sighed, putting her head in her hands. She shouldn't be this angry, it was absolutely normal after all for teenagers to want to spend more time with their girlfriends than with their best friends. However it was utterly ridiculous for the best friend to be jealous of the girlfriends. Then again, if it was just Ronald who had abandoned her in order to be with his girlfriend, she wouldn't have taken it that hard since she could still have talked and spend some time with Harry. But no! Her two best friends had found girlfriends at the same time, leaving her alone to wallow in self-pity… Why was it so easy for them (for Ronald) to find a girlfriend while it was so hard for her to get a boyfriend? Victor Krum didn't count. He was nice but definitely not what she was looking for. Sure she dreamed of romance but not a bunch of roses every one hour! And yes, she also wanted and wished for independence… but not that much independence, they didn't leave in the same country! She sighed again, banging her head on the table. It wasn't fair that Harry had a girlfriend.

"Are you finished?" The same harsh voice whispered again.

"What do you want again?" Hermione looked up, glaring at the brunette who looked a bit different than usual.

"Not that I hate watching you try to break your head against the table but I'm trying to study." Pansy answered, rolling her eyes while motioning to the multitude of books scattered around her table.

"Well, sorry." The Gryffindor replied sarcastically, while dropping her head against the table again.

"Look, if you so wanted Potter you should have stepped up before, instead of letting that Brown girl have him and then coming cry a river over him in the _library_." The Slytherin half yelled, insisting on the word library.

"Potter? I mean Harry? He has nothing to do with all of this!" Hermione replied spitefully after straightening up.

"Boohoo your little Potter's got a girlfriend that's why you're mad, so snatch your head out of your ass and stop being a clueless bitch about it." Parkinson said, standing up and leaving the library, sending a smirk to the librarian who was making her way toward them.

Hermione breathed deeply and muttered a quite sorry to Madam Pince. The old woman glared at her but nodded nonetheless. With a little sigh Hermione turned back toward her book, lost in her thoughts yet again. What was Parkinson talking about? Harry wasn't _her little Potter_. Sure she was mad because he had a girlfriend but it wasn't because of some hidden feelings. She was _alone_. Both of her best friends had left her _alone_. But why was she angrier with Harry than Ron? Her thoughts were a complete mess.

She looked around, and decided to leave. Maybe going to talk to Ginny about what she did yesterday would be better than sitting there and thinking. For once she wished she could just turn off her brain.

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Well that went well. I said I was going to be strong, not that I was going to stop being a snarky bitch. Plus Hermione Granger had it coming anyway.

"That girl should have her head checked out!" I whispered, climbing the stairs toward my dorm. _Oh no!_ I thought once I had open the door.

"Well look who's here! We didn't see you in a while, Parkinson?" Millicent Bulstrode barked, laughing with some other Slytherin girls, Daphne sitting in the middle.

"And?" I raised an eyebrow defiantly, walking to my bed and putting my bag on it.

"And how is it being the used rags thrown away after use?" She asked, smiling widely.

"How is it looking like a hag who just got out of a sty?" I asked, smiling too.

"What did you call me?" She asked, standing up and running to me.

"A hag." I said again, pronouncing every syllable distinctively. I smiled again and turned around to put a book out of my bag.

"At least I'm not the whore who was dumped for a Weasel!" Millicent laughed.

I turned back around quickly, angrier than ever. I swallowed and tried to control myself.

"No, you're the idiot who no one likes and who looks like she just stepped out of a book about the goblin's rebellions." I replied sardonically.

"Millicent." Daphne screamed, when she saw that the girl was about to punch me. "You'll be able to do that when we won't have to go back home and when there's no way anyone will see her bruises." She said haughtily.

"Or yours." I replied, smiling at her, taking my bag again and going out of the Slytherin common room.

"Who would want her now?" I heard Daphne say loudly, while laughing with the other girls, before the door to the dorm finally closed.

_No one I guess_, I thought. I closed my eyes tightly, hoping my tears would go away. One second more with these girls and I was sure I would have killed one of them. I quickly made my way to the room of Requirement and decided to sleep there tonight. I only had to remember to wake up early tomorrow in order to take a shower and change before my classes began.

This was maybe going to be harder than I thought. These girls were going to taunt me until I broke. I will need to show them that no words can hurt me or else... It will just be a downward spiral I guess. They will never leave me alone until I break but they had forgotten that when it came to scheming or putting people down, I was the best. _The bitch is back…_, I thought, or _is still here at least_. I laughed loudly at myself and fell on the bed, hugging the fluffy pillow. _Come on five days more until the holidays_. I couldn't wait to see my little Gardenia, these holidays were going to be wonderful I would make sure of it, and a change of scenery would definitely make me feel better.

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**I hope you like it :) Let me know what you think!**

**And, I hope the switch of point of you wasn't too strange!**

**Love,**

**Rose**


	3. Chapter 3: Forget him

**Happy Monday! Thanks again for the review, favorites and followers! To apologize for the wait, I tried to write a longer chapter ^^ **

**HairyLimey****: Here it is :D Hope you like it!**

**I don't own the characters or the HP universe, and certainly not the wonderful song that is Forget Her by the incredible Jeff Buckley.**

**Enjoy!**

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**Chapter 3: Forget him**

"_Oh my tears are falling down as I try to forget_

_Her love was a joke from the day that we met_

_All of the words all of the men_

_All of my pain when I think back to when_

_Remember her hair as it shone in the sun_

_The smell of the bed when I knew what she'd done_

_Tell yourself over and over you won't ever need her again"_

_Forget her- Jeff Buckley_

I was nervous. I felt like I was eleven again, walking into this big and beautiful castle waiting to be sorted and hoping that the old hat would scream Slytherin and nothing else. And here I thought my morning had started well…

When I woke up that morning, I had hurriedly walked to my dorm to take a shower and get dressed before going to breakfast. I had hoped that none of my_ lovely friends_ would be there. I don't think I could have handled another confrontation like yesterday. To my surprise, the corridors and the Slytherin common room were empty when I went through them. I had quickly prepared myself, then took my things for class and went to eat.

Now here I was, in front of the great hall, my stomach tied into knots. I had two options, either I went in, acting like nothing was bothering me and being a strong girl or I could walk away and go directly to class, still nervous about seeing everyone but the big moment delayed for a bit. I sighed, I may as well go in right now. Maybe things wouldn't be as hard as I thought they were going to be.

Before opening the doors of the great hall, I took a deep breath to try to sooth my nerves.

"Come on." I whispered as an encouragement.

I pushed one of the big wooden doors open and went in. I held my head high and quickly walked to the first available space, and started eating, hoping to get out of the lion's den quickly. I knew they were going to be eyes on me, but this was pretty ridiculous. I felt like the entire castle was looking at me. I heard a few whispers, and I saw a few pointed looks or fingers directed at me. I swallowed my pumpkin juice and tried to act like I usually did which meant sending a few glares here and there to remind people that I was still someone nobody should mess with. _They can't get to me_, I thought again and again, trying hard to believe those words.

I couldn't help but look around the Slytherin table. Draco wasn't here thankfully but his two gorillas were, eating like pigs- _disgusting_. The group of Slytherin girls was far away from me luckily, but the looks and laugh they were sharing, as well as the smirk Millicent threw my way left no room for speculations as to what their topic of conversation was. I smiled cruelly back at her, winking and continued to eat while looking around the table.

Suddenly I was face to face with a beautiful smirk and I saw Blaise Zabini looking at me questioningly, asking if I was alright. I shrugged and smirked back, pushing my hair off of my shoulder. He nodded smiling and turned back toward his plate and the person sitting in front of him.

I sighed happily once I finished my plate and stood up, looking disdainfully at the people who turned toward me when they caught my movement. I quickly dashed away from the great hall, my smile growing wider. The further I walked, the better I felt. My nervousness washing away with every step I took.

My little trip to the great hall hadn't been the worst experience I ever had but it still felt like I had accomplished something. Hopefully, today nobody would dare talk to me. I had not entirely proved that I could be someone without Draco but it still was a step in the good direction. As long as _I_ knew that I didn't need him, everything would be alright. I could forget him... I had no choice on the matter.

Smiling at my little inside monologue I made my way toward my History of Magic class, forgetting for a few minutes how boring the teacher could be.

Surprisingly, the rest of the day as well as the rest of the week passed quickly, classes managing to take most of the eight year student's time. Even though it was December, even people whose laziness stopped them from studying were found with an open book on their lap, trying to read as much things as they could. The teachers had assigned so much homework that we couldn't even take a minute to breathe.

That's why I found myself leaving the library at nearly 9 pm Thursday night, after finishing one of McGonagall's assignments. I was going to sleep in my dorm room today. I needed to show those girls that I wasn't scared and that sharing a dorm with them was the least of my concern.

I had been lucky since Monday, those girls hadn't talk to me at all- then again, I had spent all my time in the room of requirement. Actually, no one had approached me which was absolutely fine by me. Of course there was a few disgusted looks thrown my way but I didn't let them get to me, after all, who were those people to judge me. The fact that I gave a similar response usually made my opponent back down anyway.

Fortunately for me I hadn't seen Malfoy since Monday and it was better this way. Dreaming about him was already enough for me and even though I craved to catch just a glimpse of him I knew that it wouldn't do me any good. Falling out of love with someone was hard. Seeing him every day would be harder but it definitely didn't compare to not seeing him. He had hurt me but I still wished to see his beautiful face. Luckily I hadn't, or else I would fall at his feet again and this wasn't something I wanted.

Like all good things though, my luck had to end somewhere. Unfortunately for me, it had ended now when I caught Draco and Weasley in a corridor, their hands tightly clasped in each other's, eyes locked together. I had quickly hid in an alcove behind a little statue, hoping that they didn't see me. They did look good together… I closed my eyes, trying to swallow back the tears which wanted to escape. Not even a minute had passed that I was already a sobbing mess.

"Dray I really think we should tell our parents. I'm actually surprised Ron didn't say anything." Weasley finally interrupted the silence which had fallen.

"You scared him yesterday." Draco laughed softly.

It was the first time I heard him talk this way. No snicker, no hate, just pure softness and love. He had never talked this way with me… He was always hard…. Then again, he had never loved me, I thought, tears finally falling from my eyes. I had been foolish, thinking that maybe he was just hiding his eternal love for me behind a mask of indifference because he didn't like people to know what he really felt... That he didn't want people to know that he was in love with me. But if he loved me he wouldn't have cheated on me all this time, if he loved me he wouldn't have gone to Weasley, if he had ever loved me even just a little bit he would have told me that he wanted to break up with me instead of humiliating me. I knew that I wasn't the nicest or the most beautiful, I knew that I was stifling. But I just wanted him to love me. _Was it too much to ask?_ I just wanted someone to love me. I sobbed, clutching a hand to my chest which now hurt.

I was broken out of my thoughts by Weasley's beautiful laugh. "That's right. He sometimes forgets that he's just my brother, not my mom."

I didn't know it would hurt that bad to see him with her. I swallowed hard and tried to stop my tears. He looked happy…. Oh, how I wish he wasn't. It was his fault after all if I was this way, if I wasn't me. I changed because I wanted him to love me and look where it got me.

"Gin' not here." Draco laughed while the Gryffindor kissed his neck.

"There's no one." The ginger told him, smiling wickedly while I rolled my eyes, tears still flowing out freely.

He laughed and kissed her, putting a hand in her hair. I closed my eyes tightly at that. He had never kissed me like that. It was always a peck, and I always had to ask him or force myself on him just to have an ounce of affection. It was never like this… Never passionate, or filled with love, lust and tenderness. Just hard chapped lips against mine.

I couldn't take it anymore and decided to turn around and run. I felt so many indescribable emotions. I hated Weasley yet I felt like it was my fault. I had pushed him away because I wasn't as good as her, because I was just me.

I run and nearly fell down a flight of stairs, my tears blurring my vision. I turned a corner, a hand wiping at my eyes when I collided into a solid form. I fell down hard, hurting my hand in the process. I looked up at the idiot who didn't watch where he was going.

"What do you want Longbottom?" I said harshly while standing up and touching my tender wrist.

"No…Nothing, I was just passing." He replied quietly looking shocked to see my tears strained cheeks.

"Well move faster." I barked.

He scrambled away, scared. I sighed and hurried away to the room of requirement, hoping that no one would be in the corridors. I wanted to pack my things quickly and bring them back to the dorm.

I couldn't wait to go home. Thinking of going away from this place lifted my mood significantly.

* * *

The morning after, I found that getting out of bed was harder than usual. That night, I had woken up several times, the kiss Draco and Weasley shared replaying in my head, making my nightmares more unbearable.

Why couldn't I get over him? Other girls could get over boys as quickly as Harry Potter could fall off of his firebolt and I couldn't even close my eyes without seeing Draco Malfoy's grey eyes boring into mine in a cold indifference.

I yawned loudly and prepared quickly. I didn't have time for breakfast so I went directly to my classes, hoping that I wouldn't be late.

Thank Merlin I only had my two morning classes with Malfoy. Hopefully Potion and DADA will pass quickly, even though I had an Ancient Runes test this afternoon I just wanted my time in the same room as Malfoy to end fast.

Surprisingly, the day passed quickly and I barely saw him. Unfortunately for me the few minutes I passed in his presence were the worst part of my day. I sighed and continue to walk through the castle, not really knowing my destination. The only thing I knew is that it hurt badly… _Very badly_. I had the chance to see them together yet again but this time was harder on me. I had heard them profess their love to each other. It was just a simple peck and two uttered _I love you_'s but still it hurt.

I always knew he didn't love me but I still had a bit of hope that maybe someday he would see me, the real me: a scared, vulnerable yet strong young women. My last bit of hope had been crushed though, he had chosen an enemy over me. A sob racked my body. People usually say that falling in love is a beautiful experience and that the hurt which goes with it is worth it. Those people were obviously clueless muggles.

Maybe what I felt for Draco wasn't love… Maybe I wanted it to be love so much that it became that. What is love anyway? Just a foolish word which people use for nothing and everything at the same time, for a person or a piece of furniture… But if it wasn't love, why was I so hurt over this.

A sniffle broke through the air. I brushed the tears away from my cheek and stilled suddenly, realizing that the sound was not coming from me but from a huddled mass on the stairs a few feet away. I approached slowly and looked at the form. I didn't know if I should talk or not. I swallowed and chose to break the silence, the person had already seen me anyway and was trying to hide her tears.

"Granger?" I asked, trying to make my voice void of any emotion.

Granger looked up, tears streaming down her face which was contorted in a grimace.

"Are you hurt?" I asked unsure.

"What are you doing outside of your dormitory at midnight?" The bushy haired girl asked in between hiccups, trying to sound like the head girl she was supposed to be.

I sighed. I knew why the girl was crying. I had seen the looks she gave Potter all through their childhoods, or her face every time that idiot got a girlfriend. Even if I didn't like the girl at all, heartbreak wasn't something I would want for her. I had heard that the girl had lost her parents during the war. She was as orphaned as I felt.

"You matter, I might not like you, but you matter." I whispered softly, trying hard not to let my mask of indifference slip away. I might not be her biggest fan but I sometimes felt a bit of admiration -among the incommensurable amount of hate and pity- for the girl who helped save the wizarding world.

"Why are you saying that?" Hermione asked, looking defeated and slumping down even more on the stairs.

I swallowed. "Everyone should hear it." _Because I didn't_.

She nodded but didn't look at me. "Thank you I guess."

"Don't mention it…. _Really_." I finished disdainfully.

I turned around and started walking again, sighing harshly at what I just did. Being nice to the bookworm was definitely not something I had on my To Do list today. Once I had turned the corner and that I knew for sure that she couldn't see me anymore, I slumped against the cold stone wall and sobbed, nearly choking myself with the force of my crying.

Why was it so hard to forget him?

* * *

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	4. Chapter 4: Reason to hope

**Hey guys! I hope you're having a great week! Here it's a bit crazy since my finals are next week :(**

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* * *

**Chapter 4: Reason to hope**

"_I just want a reason to hope_

_A reason to know that I should still be here_

_Maybe just a glimpse of the light, a patch of blue sky_

_Something to believe in_

_I just want a reason to hope, a reason to hope_

_Want a reason that I should not let go_

_I want a reason to hope"_

_Reason to hope- Ron Pope_

"Hello there." I smiled, opening the big oak door wider while I stepped inside my bedroom. The room hadn't changed a bit since I've been gone, all the dark wood furniture still in place, not a speck of dust on them. The dark wooden floor was still as polished and the books were still in place, arranged in alphabetical order, on the large bookcase, exactly like I loved them.

It was good to be away from Hogwarts even if it was for just two weeks. This house may not be a home but this room still felt like my own little paradise. It was a place where I could be myself without people watching me like a hawk.

"Pansy." I heard a little girl's voice scream from where she was seated at a little coffee table with her teddy bears.

I smiled at her and went to sit on the floor, next to her little chair. "How are you Gardenia?"

She turned to me, a small frown on her face accompanied by a smile. "Good and you?"

I swallowed slightly, knowing that I had left her confused. I was usually very reserved with her, my parent's upbringing leaving me scared of their punishment if they ever caught me showing any kind of emotion which wasn't hate, intolerance or hypocrisy. The fact that my little sister was a squib also made them decide that I shouldn't associate with her, since she was a '_lesser human_' than us… At least they still thought she was human…

"I've been good." I finally answered, grimacing, not really knowing what to say. Nonetheless, the answer seemed to satisfy her because she leapt off her chair to hug me.

"I missed you." My little sister managed to say, her head deeply nuzzled into my neck, tightening her tiny little arms around me.

"I missed you too sweetie." I answered, kissing the top of her head, hugging her tightly to me.

"Really?" She asked, looking up, bright blue eyes twinkling.

I gulped, nodding, tears coming to my eyes. I really was the worst sister if I had let Gardenia believe that I couldn't miss her.

"What were you doing?" I asked softly, trying to hide my sadness as well as my disgust. I used to cry at night after I was forced to act like she wasn't even here, like she was invisible, but little by little it started being a routine. Forgetting my sister's existence was a habit. I suddenly felt sick. Her laugh brought me out of my little day dream and she pushed herself off of me a bit.

"We were having tea but Mr. Bunny was being mean." She said pouting, mentioning to a white bunny.

I laughed. "Well, maybe we should tell him that if he wants to have tea again he will have to behave."

She smiled at me brightly and nodded, turning around to face the table. "You heard Mr. Bunny. Be nice!" She told him, her hands on her hips.

I smiled, pushing a few strands of her brown hair behind her ears.

"You're not sad anymore?" Gardenia suddenly asked me, turning around.

I took a sharp intake of breath and replied. "I'm not anymore."

At that instant I felt sicker, but the feeling soon disappeared when she smiled and hugged me again.

"We'll be alright." I whispered, kissing her hair.

* * *

A few days passed, Gardenia and I growing closer and closer. My parents weren't home thankfully but were coming back tonight seeing as they had organized a party in honor of my father and his blooming business.

What was more important though was that Gardenia was happy about my change and it comforted me into the fact that it was exactly what I had to do in order to be happy, but also to make her happy.

I smiled, the wind blowing into my hair. Hyde Park was getting a bit chilly, maybe we should get home. I turned to my right to talk to Gardenia when I saw that she wasn't there. I jumped on my feet quickly and looked around.

"Gardenia?" I called, turning my head in every direction to see if I could spot her.

"Gardenia!" I said again loudly. Where was she? She was beside me not two seconds ago! I sighed, my panic getting the best of me and looked around, while running. "Gardenia!" I screamed again, not looking at where I was going.

Suddenly I collided forcefully with a tall boy which nearly sent me to the ground if the boy hadn't caught me.

"Watch where you're going." I said harshly pulling myself out of his arms and looking around frantically for my little sister. "Gardenia!"

"Well I'm sorry." A beautiful tenor voice cut me off. I turned around suddenly to look at the person who was attached to that melodious voice. For the first time in a while I was speechless. The boy – or man?- had dark brown curly hair, nearly black, and bright blue eyes. He was way taller than me, probably 5"10' and had a bit of muscles but not too much. He smiled at me, waiting for an answer.

"It's okay." I whispered softly.

He laughed, his bright blue eyes shining... Blue eyes… Nearly as blue as Gardenia's.

"Gardenia!" I turned back around, panicked.

I heard the boy laugh again. "Before you ran into me I was going to ask you if that little girl over there wasn't who you were looking for." He smiled brightly when I turned around, pointing to Gardenia who was sitting next to some ducks, talking to them.

"Oh thank god." I whispered and quickly ran to Gard and hugged her.

"Pansy! You're scaring them!" The little girl said.

"I'm sorry darling." I smiled, sitting down next to my sister. I took a few deep breaths to try and calm myself. "Are we feeding the ducks?" I asked, trying to make the panic which had griped me a few seconds ago disappear.

"Yes they told me they were hungry." Gardenia nodded forcefully.

"Here's some bread if you want." The boy I had ran into said, giving Gardenia the bread he had obviously purchased.

"Oh no, keep it." I said quickly, intercepting the bread.

"I'm not a big bread eater anyway." He shrugged, smiling.

I nodded skeptically, giving the bread to Gardenia while rolling my eyes at the conversation we were having.

"Maybe a date?" The boy suddenly asked, still smiling like a fool.

"A date?" I asked looking incredulously at the guy who was now sitting next to me. _What the hell?_

"Yes, to repay me." He said, nodding like it was natural.

"Repay you for what exactly?" I asked, huffing.

"Well you did run into me."

I laughed. Was he serious? I looked back at him and saw that, indeed, he was.

"I can't." I answered finally, still doubtful of what exactly he wanted. Muggles were strange creatures.

"What about as friends?" He replied still smiling.

"No." I replied sharply.

"Why don't you want to be friends with him?" Gard' said, looking at me with bright blue eyes.

"I don't know him Gardenia." I replied, trying not to sound too harsh.

"Cooper Turner Ma'am. Nice to meet you." He smiled, holding his hand out for me to shake.

"Gardenia Penelope Parkinson." Gardenia smiled shaking his hand.

"Gardenia." I said sharply. "What did we say about not talking to stranger?"

Gardenia looked down slightly, the tears filling her eyes making me sad. "But we know his name now."

"Yes, but it doesn't mean we know him, love." Gardenia looked up, and nodded.

"I like him though. So, can we know him?" She asked in her little voice.

The stranger now known as Cooper laughed. "You can know me if you want."

"I don't know." I replied, frowning slightly at the little tears which were gathering at the corner of Gardenia's eyes.

"Live a little." Cooper smiled. "I swear I won't say anything inappropriate." He said wriggling his eyebrows and sending me a dazzling smile.

I raised an eyebrow, unconvinced.

"At least, I'll try." He laughed, putting a hand in his hair, giving me a good look at his biceps.

I sighed and nodded. "Okay." I answered, knowing that it would make Gardenia happy. We will just have to stand him up.

"Yeah!" Gardenia replied, hugging me.

"Great!" He looked at Gardenia. "What do you say about going to lunch with me tomorrow?"

"We'll feed the ducks?" She asked smiling and looking at the small animals.

"Well, we'll feed ourselves and then the ducks." He nodded. The little girl nodded back and went to follow one of the duck behind some bushes, close to the water. Cooper laughed and stood up, running behind her. "You know what his name is?"

_Oh god_… What did I agree to? I silently asked myself, looking at the fool who was smiling and clapping. Why the hell was he clapping?

"Ducky?" Gardenia asked, frowning cutely.

"How did you know?" Cooper asked, clapping again.

"He told me." Gardenia answered, nodding.

"He's pretty awesome isn't he? I think that he has a crush on Becky, the beautiful duck over there." He said nodding, while pointing at an animal in the water.

_Oh my god_…. Maybe we should go home, he's obviously crazy.

"Really?"

"Yes, they might get married if Ducky find the courage to go and talk to her." Cooper said, like he was Ducky's best friend.

"Married?" Gardenia asked. "Because they love each other?" The little girl asked, looking at Cooper for the first time since the start of the conversation.

"Of course!" Cooper answered, looking puzzled. "When we love someone we marry them."

Gardenia looked back at the two ducks and smiled. "Really?" She asked softly while I swallowed. "Okay." She nodded. "Will we be invited to their wedding?"

"I think so!" Cooper answered smiling. "Well, at least I hope so! But Ducky is really shy!"

"We should help them!" Gardenia said excitedly.

"You shouldn't force someone into getting married, love." I answered coming beside them, trying not to sound too put off by their conversation.

"Your sister is right." Cooper nodded. "She's your sister right?" He asked me.

I nodded, looking disdainfully at him. "Obviously."

"Can we go get ice cream Coop?" Gardenia interrupted me. I frowned… _What? Coop? Really?_

"Of course!" Cooper nodded excitedly. "Come on!" He said gesturing to a stand not too far away.

Oh joy! Now I was stuck with a muggle for the rest of the afternoon… _Still better than Granger or Weasley_ I thought. I rolled my eyes and followed them. This was going to be the longest afternoon ever.

* * *

Surprisingly, Cooper Idiot Turner – as I decided to call him- was nice to have around, he knew how to talk to Gardenia and how to entertain her. He could be a nice baby sitter, I laughed quietly while turning a page of my book. Gardenia and I were back home since 4, afraid of what our parents would say if they didn't find us home. My parents had come an hour or so after us, my dad rushing back outside mere minutes after because of some business he had to take care of.

"Pansy." I heard my mom scream, pulling me out of my thoughts. I put the book I was reading down on my bed and descended the large stairs, walking into what she had dubbed as her 'tea room'. There was dark brown wood from floor to ceiling and one window framed by big drapes in garnet red matching perfectly the two velvet sofa scattered around a tiny wooden table.

"Yes mother?" I answered curtly.

"What exactly is this?" She asked me, mentioning to a letter on the coffee table, next to where she was sitting.

"May I?" I asked, referring to the letter.

She nodded, glaring at me, wrinkles appearing on her forehead. She looked older than her age, years of unhappiness and unfulfilled dreams showing on her tan complexion. Hopefully I wouldn't end up like her.

I took the letter quickly and opened it.

_Miss Parkinson_

_We appreciate your interest in Witchcraft University and the Wizard Journalism course for which you applied. You will receive the answer to your application once all applications and all NEWTs score have been reviewed. Thus, you can expect an owl in July._

_Thank you, again, for your interest in our university._

_Regards,_

_Mr. Milnerfire, Head of Witchcraft University_

"I hope for you that this is just a mistake." I heard my mother hiss.

"There is my name written." I said softly, trying hard not to make her angry- well, angrier.

"I am not sure what you are trying to achieve Pansy but you will contact them shortly and cancel this _application_." She huffed, looking at me intently.

I waited for a few minute before answering. "No." It was the first time I ever answered my mother. Usually I would have been too scared, but it was now or never if I wanted to make a change in my life. Hopefully she hadn't heard the small crack in my voice.

"No?" She laughed sharply. "Pansy, it wasn't a question. You will cancel it or you can be sure this will go to your father, and you know he will not forgive you easily."

I swallowed. "I really want to go to university." I replied, faking a confident tone. "I want to work."

"Women don't work." My mother exclaimed, standing up.

"Well, mother dearest, I am very sorry if I will not become like you. I'll have you know that sitting in a chair, sipping tea, while looking at the horizon isn't really my thing." I answered dramatically, turning around and running up the stairs until I was in my room. I knew that it wasn't the end, I had defied her and she would push until she had what she wanted. I sighed, willing my tears not to spill, banging my head on the door.

"Are you okay?" I heard the little voice which belonged to my little sister ask me. I looked down and saw that she was on my bed, tucked under the blanket looking at me with bright blue eyes.

"I am." I sighed, slipping into my bed. I lay down next to her, and she came into my arms. She had adjusted fairly quickly to me being nice.

"I didn't ask you but why was your tea table in my room when I came back home?" I asked her, putting a hand in her hair.

"I like it here." She answered, yawning.

I nodded. There was nothing special in this room though. The only precious items I had were some of the books and the clothes, and surely a five year old wouldn't care about those. I looked down and saw that she was on the brink of sleeping.

"What do you say about going to the park again with me tomorrow?" I asked suddenly.

Gardenia smiled sleepily and nodded. "Yes, with bunny and the others?"

"We'll see if they want to come too." I smiled, kissing her forehead.

"Come on now, let's sleep." She nodded and stood up.

"Where are you going?" I asked confused. Did she think I wouldn't let her sleep in my bed?

"Mother won't be pleased if I sleep here." She replied, kissing me on the cheek. I nodded a bit sad and hugged her briefly, whishing her a good night and watched as she walked away.

"Wait! We'll go see Coop right? He said that we will eat together." She asked, turning around.

I nodded. "Yes, we'll see Cooper." I sighed. "Good night Gardenia, sweet dreams."

"G'night." She smiled, waving.

I smiled and fell back on my bed, tucking the blanket under my chin.

* * *

A few hours later I was still up. I found that I couldn't sleep - or more like I didn't _want_ to sleep. If I closed my eyes I was sure that I would see Draco's lips on the red head Gryffindor's. That's why I found myself surrounded by my Arithmancy books on my bed, completing some homework professor Vector gave us.

Suddenly, a knock on the big window situated over the big dark wooden desk of my room startled me. I stood up with difficulty due to the covers and the books and various items placed on my bed and went to open the window to let a beautiful owl enter. I took the letter out of its paw and went to sit down on my bed, not giving an ounce of attention to the owl which was screeching for me to get him food.

_Parkinson_

_How are you? I hope your holidays are going fairly well. Mine are as boring as I expected them to be. Could we meet?_

_Blaise_

I laughed lightly at the letter the large black owl had brought me. I hadn't talked to Blaise in a while. I kind of missed him, he was the only one who cared, even just a little.

_Zabini_

_Everything is going swimmingly, thank you. Meet me tomorrow, in front of the Leaky Cauldron at 3._

_P. Parkinson_

I attached the letter to Blaise's owl and opened the window to let her fly away. Talking to Blaise would maybe help me get my head around everything. I couldn't wait to see him.

* * *

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	5. Chapter 5: I don't want to be

**[Inserted chapter :P This wasn't the previous chapter 5 who's now chapter 7… you know what it's easier to re-read everything if you are patient! I'm sorry if I'm confusing all of you :( ] **

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* * *

**Chapter 5: I don't want to be anything other than me**

"_I don't want to be_

_Anything other than what I've been trying to be lately_

_All I have to do_

_Is think of me and I have peace of mind_

_I'm tired of looking 'round rooms_

_Wondering what I've got to do_

_Or who I'm supposed to be_

_I don't want to be anything other than me"_

_I don't want to be- Gavin Degraw_

"Hello." Cooper's voice surprised us. Gardenia and I turned around quickly, our two faces contorted into two different expressions: a scowl for me and a blinding smile for her.

"Cooper!" My little sister exclaimed. "I missed you!" She told him while he lifted her in his arms.

"You know him since a day, Gard." I rolled my eyes.

"A day is enough to miss someone Miss Parkinson." Cooper replied. "Is she going to be a party pooper?" He asked Gardenia while mentioning me.

I huffed while my little sister let out a booming laugh. "No." She shook her head. "Right Pans'?"

"We'll see." I replied, glaring at Cooper.

"Come on, let's go. There's a McDonald not too far."

"A what?" I asked frowning.

"A McDo…" He answered like it was obvious.

I nodded, urging him to go forward. McDo… Must be some muggle restaurant or something, after all, he did say that we were going to eat.

"Will we be finished by two?" I asked.

"Two? It's nearly one already." Cooper said, turning to look at me, Gardenia still in his arms.

"Yes, I am meeting one my friend this afternoon and I need to go around two." Well, I technically had to meet Blaise at three but the less time we spent with this muggle, the better I will be.

"But Pansy, I want to stay with Coop for the afternoon."

"Gard, I already told my friend to meet me…."

"I've got an idea." Cooper interrupted while I rolled my eyes. "You can leave Gardenia with me while you go see your friend and then you'll come back to get her."

"No." I stopped walking, and shook my head outraged. "I won't let her with you. You could be a murderer or some type of…."

Gardenia frowned, and interrupted me. Thank Merlin she did, I was going to say Gryffindor.

"Please Pansy. I want to stay." She pouted.

"It will be just for a few hours and then we'll meet each other at Hyde Park."

"Please." Gardenia begged, looking at me with sad blue eyes.

"Please." Cooper pouted exaggeratingly, trying to mimic Gardenia. "And I promise I'm not a killer just a clumsy kid with limbs too long for him."

I rolled my eyes again. "Okay." I whispered. "I'll be fast." I looked at Gardenia who smiled, her little arms still hooked around Cooper's neck. "You better take care of her or else…"

"Pansy, I'm already scared of you enough I think. Honestly, no need for threats." He replied, sending a small smile my way.

I frowned but nodded nonetheless. "Come on let's go to…. You know…" I shrugged.

He laughed and started moving again. "You'll love it!" He exclaimed, smiling at me. I answered him with a nod, hoping that I hadn't taken the wrong decision.

* * *

"I heard about your little rebellion act." Blaise broke the silence, seeping at his butterbeer.

Well, he didn't waste time did he? We were in the Leaky Cauldron since a few minutes but hadn't talked to each other yet beside the usual cold greetings. I had left Gardenia and Cooper ten minutes ago and I already wanted to see my adorable little sister and her idiot of a friend again. Yes, even Cooper…

"Good." I nodded. "How?" I finally asked, smirking.

"House elves talk." He shrugged.

I nodded again, looking around at the other customers.

"Pansy, are you sure that you're doing a good thing?"

"Yes. I want to go to university. Why is it such a big deal?" I sighed, looking back at him.

"You're going against your parents' wishes." He told me, trying to sound less cold.

"What am I supposed to do exactly? Acknowledge them and what they want for me and delude myself into thinking that it's the best for me. If I do what they want, I know that I will be unhappy, it's not even a supposition anymore." I told him fiercely while moving slightly closer to him. "Why should I think of them and what they want? It's my life."

"They are your parents…" Blaise started but I interrupted him quickly.

"Exactly and as parents they should want my happiness."

He sighed. "I'm not saying that following the plan they made for your future is the best thing for you, just that you shouldn't upset them." He told me, putting a comforting hand on mine. "Think of everything before making any harsh decision."

I nodded slightly, looking at our hands.

"I don't want to live in fear anymore. That's what we've been doing since forever and it didn't bring us any good, did it?"

Blaise nodded, deep in thought. His silence was driving me crazy.

"Blaise, you know that I'm not the type of person who dives into something while not knowing the possible outcomes. I know what I am doing, and what I'm fighting for."

_And who_, I added in my head.

"I want to do what I want, realize my dreams. If I do what they want, I don't think that my life would be complete and full of happiness."

"What do you want exactly, Pansy?" He asked me, narrowing his eyes slightly. "I'm confused here."

"I want freedom, laughter, love, happiness… God, I sound like a Gryffindor." I said, a knot forming into my throat.

"You do." He laughed softly. "Why now? Why not before?"

"Why not…" I simply answered, squeezing his hand. I took a deep breath before continuing. "Will you stay by my side?"

He looked away, thinking. "I will." He answered, sounding a bit confused as to why I was asking that.

I smiled, squeezing his hand again to make him look at me. "Thank you so much, it means a lot to me."

He nodded, smiling slightly. "What about Draco?" He whispered.

"What about him?" I asked, titling my head.

"What he did was selfish…" He started but stopped quickly, not knowing what he was supposed to say.

"He did what he had to do in order to be himself. I actually kind of envy him." I told him, nodding slightly. "He had the guts to stand up for himself and purchase happiness instead of leaving for others."

"Yes, but he hurt you in the process." He told me, anger seeping in his tone a bit.

"There is always someone who's going to be hurt. This time it had to be me." I shrugged lightly, while sending him a small smile.

"You really thought about everything." He smiled, shaking his head slightly as if he didn't believe we were having this conversation.

"Not everything." I laughed. "If I wanted to stop breaking down every time I heard about him I had to try to forgive him, see where he was coming from. I had to try to understand. I just realized that maybe we both felt the same way."

He nodded. "I see what you mean. You grew up." He laughed while I hit him on his forearm.

"Thank you." I replied sarcastically while rolling my eyes.

Once he had stopped laughing I saw him turn his head to the side, thinking about his next words.

"I didn't talk to him in a while." He finally said.

"Why?" I asked, softly.

"Pansy, we've always been friends. We may have grown apart when we started Hogwarts but I still like to think that I know you by heart just like you do me. If someone hurts my friend then they hurt me too." He squeezed my hand, looking into my eyes.

"What? Kind of like an 'us against the world' friendship?" I laughed, running my free hand in my hair.

"If it's what it takes to make you happy, then yes." He smiled.

"I wouldn't have it any other way." I told him, smiling back. "We're Slytherins we aren't supposed to talk like that. I feel like Granger and her dogs." I laughed.

He laughed alongside me and nodded, pulling back his hand. "True, it's starting to get too sappy for me."

"Well then I'll let you go, I need to go to Gringott's." I told him, standing up while putting a few galleons down.

"Let me come along, I wanted to go there before school starts anyway." He told me, standing up too.

I nodded and smiled. "Alright. It's been good to see you, you know."

_I missed you._

He nodded. "Right back at you, Pan's."

_I missed you too._

I smiled, and let him drag me toward Gringott's. Maybe life wouldn't be so bad after all.

* * *

After going to Gringott's and walking around Diagon Alley during an hour with Blaise I finally bid him goodbye and told him that we would see each other tomorrow night, at my parent's party. We had then parted way quickly, him going back to his house and me to Hyde Park.

"Gardenia." I smiled when I finally saw them, looking at the people who were ice skating in front of them.

My little sister turned quickly and smiled at me, running up to meet me.

"Hello." She smiled toothily.

"Hello." I smiled hugging her. "You had fun?"

She nodded, smiling. "We went to see Ducky and Becky, then went into a toy store it's so big Pansy." She smiled. "Then we came here to see people fly."

"Oh, they can fly?" I laughed.

"Yes without brooms." She told me, opening her eyes wide.

I laughed and kissed her cheeks.

"Thank you." I smiled at Cooper once he was next to us.

"You're welcome." He replied.

"What are we doing tomorrow?" Gardenia asked Cooper.

"We can't." I interrupted quickly.

Cooper frowned. "I thought…."

"It's not against you this time. Our parents are home and we have obligations. We won't be able to see you tomorrow and the day after."

He nodded sheepishly. "Sorry if…."

"It's okay." I nodded.

"Well maybe you could give me your number to keep in touch."

"What number?" I asked confused.

"Your phone number." He replied, laughing.

"Phone?"

"You don't have one?" He frowned, a small smile tugging at his lips.

"No?" I asked.

He laughed. "You have money right?" He teased, looking at my expensive shoes.

"Of course." I replied. I always took some muggle money with me in case Gardenia needed something.

"Then come on, let's buy you a phone." He smiled, jumping in excitement.

Merlin, help me! My time alongside that idiot was going to be long and arduous. I sighed, I should have taken some firewhiskey…

* * *

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	6. Chapter 6: Imposters

**[Another inserted chapter]**

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* * *

**Chapter 6 : Imposters**

"_I'm surrounded by liars everywhere I turn_

_I'm surrounded by imposters everywhere I turn_

_I'm surrounded by identity crisis everywhere I turn_

_Am I the only one who noticed?_

_I can't be the only one who's learned!"_

_I don't want to be- Gavin Degraw_

"Pansy!" I heard my mother scream.

I huffed and threw the beautiful dress I was holding on my bed. A few minutes ago she had asked me to go and prepare myself for the party tonight and now she was screaming my name. This woman should make a list of priority.

"Yes mother." I replied flatly, coming into her bedroom. She was sitting at her vanity table, already dressed and coiffed, her make up perfectly in place while she held up a set of red earing, analyzing them. She had on a beautiful long red dress and her brown hair was encased in a tight sophisticated bun.

"Did you send a letter to that university to tell them you were denying their request?"

"Their request?Mother, _I_ applied."

She rolled her eyes. "I'm sure it's those muggleborns at your school who pushed those strange ideas into your head." She told me, disgusted.

"I already had those _ideals_ since I was young." I answered back, voice shaking slightly.

"Pansy do you not see what it will do to our name? To our family? We will be the joke of the wizarding world." She spoke harshly, standing up from her seat and turning toward me. "You're not even dressed." She muttered.

"Why would it matter to others anyway?" I asked, knowing full well that my statement was idiotic. "Some people might even see it like a new trend or something." I said dumbly.

"Are you even hearing yourself? Someone might have put a hex on you. We should go to St Mungo's." She said, horrified.

"No curse, no hex, just plain old me." I answered back, shaking my head in disbelief. "I want it and nothing can change that."

"If you go through with it we will disown you and you'll be just like those street rats muggles!" She yelled.

I took a step back, the force and vehemence of her statement cutting right through me. I already knew that they would disown me but hearing it was harder than I thought. Even though my parents put me through hell there's always a part of me which will love them and I guess that was one of the hardships I had to go through in order to be who I want to be, to be happy.

"I…." I stopped. I sighed and nodded, turning around. Why fight when you knew very well the outcome of it? I would go through with everything I wanted and they would disown me like they planned. Now, I just had to figure out what to do. Until I received an answer from the university I applied to I could just pretend that I didn't want to go anymore. It will give me a bit more time to figure out everything and I would still be able to use and abuse the money my parents gave me….. Or, I could take a bit of money out of their Gringott's vault every holiday so as to have already a bit of money aside.

"Go get ready." She ushered me out.

I sighed and nodded.

"Pansy." She stopped me suddenly. "Try not to embarrass us tonight, it is a very important night for your father."

"Yes, mother." I answered flatly and went to my room to get ready.

* * *

"Very well then, let's raise our glass to your well put investment." One of my father's coworker told him. My father only nodded, a smirked etched on his thin lips.

I rolled my eyes and just sipped at my drink, letting my empty hand trail over the side of my night blue dress. I needed to grasp onto something in order to quench my anger.

"Seems like your father was more clever then we gave him credit for."

I huffed and turned, my eyes falling on none other than Blaise.

"He's not clever, he's malicious." I replied, disdainfully.

Blaise shrugged. "He's a Slytherin."

"_Was_. He _was_ a Slytherin." I replied, sighing.

I turned back toward my father who was quietly talking to another powerful man. The war may have ended but a few ex-death eaters were still working at the Ministry, or had their own flourishing business- like my father. Those who worked at the ministry had been able to be let off because they had stepped back during the final battle as well as gave money to the Ministry to rebuilt the Wizarding World, and others were just cowards who were just 'death-eaters' by their ideas and ideals but were too scared to get into the war. I had wished a few times that my father was one of the latest. But unfortunately he was only a coward to a certain extent.

"It's boring, isn't it?" Blaise broke the silence again.

I send Blaise a skeptical look. "It's _mind_-_numbingly_ boring."

He quietly laughed and looked back around, his gaze stopping once it locked on the lone figure of Draco Malfoy.

"You look delightful." He said, in a far-away tone.

"I return the sentiment."

"What is he doing here?" He finally asked the question which was threatening to come out since a few minutes.

"His family is still one of the most powerful in the wizarding world." I replied, forcing myself to not sound as intrigued as he was.

"Yes, but after that horrendous scene with Weasley his parents must have disowned him."

"Well, obviously not." Narcissa and Lucius Malfoy were sitting in one of the many tables scattered around the room, talking with the Notts.

"Knowing father, he just invited them to rub the salt in the wound." I continued, still looking at Draco, who was now draining his glass and putting it on a table.

"Their son is a "blood-traitor" and their family isn't as high in the wizarding aristocracy as before." He nodded, still looking at Draco.

"They are still pure bloods though." I trailed, looking at him.

He nodded. "Let's go outside." Blaise told me, mentioning toward the balcony.

I nodded and followed him, forcing myself not to look at Draco. I knew that he had seen us look at him. He had sent a brief glance toward us and had quickly walked to Crabbe and Goyle.

"Do you still have feelings for him?" Blaise asked me once we were alone, our hands on the rails, and our shoulders brushing.

I took a few minutes to think of the answer I should give him and gazed at the stars.

"It doesn't matter." I finally said, looking back at him.

He quickly cast a warming charm on us and I thanked him quietly. The winter nights were awfully cold and a dress wasn't the warmest piece of clothes around.

"It does."

"Why?" I asked, looking back toward the sky.

"Feelings don't disappear that easily Pansy."

"I know, but talking about it…"

"Will make you feel better." He interrupted me.

"What do you want to know?" I sighed.

"Anything." He replied.

I didn't answer and went to sit down on a stone bench next to the big door. He didn't follow me and choose to stay where he was, still looking at the expanse of green land.

"I always knew."

Blaise turned around, a questioning look on his face.

"I always knew that he would never want me. He never loved me. But I tried so hard to change his feelings, to make him love me just like I loved him. I thought that my efforts would pay and that he would see that he needed me. In the end, I think that maybe it wasn't necessarily him who I desperately wanted but just love…. I wanted love so I obsessed over Draco loving me because I thought that he would be able to give it to me. I wanted someone to love me…" I stopped when I felt tears obscuring my vision. "I guess it wasn't him." I finished, swallowing and trying to make the tears go away.

Blaise nodded. "You were looking for love and he was the one who had caught your eyes."

"Yes, and he also accepted my advances which made me think during a few moments that he loved me. I remember how happy I felt after he would kiss me… Let's just say that I was looking for warmth because I was in a very cold place back then."

Blaise nodded but didn't answer. There wasn't much to add anyway. I loved Draco, I tried to make him love me, I thought he loved me but in fact he didn't. It was all due to my imagination and my need of recognition. I wanted someone to love me and if it wasn't my parents, I had to find someone else. Unfortunately for me, this someone was Draco.

"Come on we should get back inside." Blaise interrupted my thoughts.

I nodded and swallowed. This was going to be a long night.

* * *

Once their little party was over I hurriedly went to my room to sleep. These shoes, although very nice, were killing my feet. I just wanted to crawl into my bed and sleep for the next week. I opened the door to my room, relieved to finally be able to take off my beautiful shoes.

"Pansy?" I heard Gardenia ask.

"Yes, it's me." I told her. I had apparently woke her up. She was buried under my cover, rubbing her eyes with her little hands. "What are you doing here?" I asked.

"I was waiting for you." She whispered.

I smiled and nodded. "You shouldn't have, love." I changed quickly and went in the bed next to her, pulling her to me.

"I will go back to my room now. I'm tired." She yawned as if to prove her statement.

I smiled and hugged her a bit more tightly. "Stay with me. We only have one week left."

She shook her head, her eyes closing. "One week and two days." She yawned again while I laughed. "What about mother and father?" She asked, opening her eyes with difficulty.

"I don't care." I replied kissing her head.

She nodded and smiled. "Me too. Good night Pansy."

"Good night Gard'." I kissed her head lightly and closed my eyes, falling asleep quickly.

* * *

**I hope you liked it! Let me know what you thought !**

**xoxo**


	7. Chapter 7: I can't make you love me

**Hello! I hope you will like this chapter! :) Thanks for your review, favorite and follower :D 3**

**A special thank you to all the people who reviewed, it really means a lot to me and I love to know what you think of the characters and the plot. Thank you! :)**

**[This was previously the fifth chapter, before I added the two previous ones]**

**The beginning is Hermione's point of view and then we have a third person point of view and then back to Mione.**

**I don't own anything.**

* * *

**Chapter 10: I can't make you love me**

"_I'll close my eyes, then I won't see_

_The love you don't feel when you're holding me_

_Morning will come and I'll do what's right_

_Just give me till then to give up this fight_

_And I will give up this fight"_

_I can't make you love me- Bonnie Raitt_

**Hermione's point of view:**

"I can't make you love me if you don't." I sang softly, turning the radio off and swallowing. I looked around my kitchen and sighed.

I had started my Christmas holidays at the burrows and I found out quickly that there wasn't any place for me there. Besides helping Molly Weasley in the kitchen I didn't do much. My two best friends were two preoccupied with their girlfriends and Ginny had stayed in Hogwarts, because of her boyfriend obviously. It seems like everyone had a significant other beside me. This is why I found myself on Christmas Eve singing a sad love song while doing the dishes.

After my encounter in the library with Parkinson, I had taken a few days to think about my life as well as my feelings. I had finally come to terms with the fact that I liked Harry more than necessary. I also had come to terms with the fact that he didn't feel the same. He had said countless and countless of times that I was his little sister; this was proof enough for me. I needed to focus on myself for now and try to erase those feelings as much as I could, that's why I went back home.

Indeed, the few days I stayed at the Weasley's had been really bad for me so I had taken refuge in my childhood home, which was strange since I had passed as little time as I could here, the memory of my parents to vivid in my head. It hurts so much to know that I wouldn't be able to celebrate any more Christmases with them, that I wouldn't be able to hug or kiss them, or say I love you…

I slowly sank down in front of the kitchen sink, tears streaming down my face. There was like a big ball of pain gathered inside my chest, I felt like it would burst any minute with the force of my sobs but I couldn't stop. I could still smell them, I could still feel them, I could still see my mother hitting my father's shoulder slightly while laughing because he had say some mean comment about a football player on TV. I could hear them laugh; I could see their smiles… But it was fading. The memories weren't as vivid as before and that hurts even more. How could a child forget their parents? Was I not attentive enough while creating those wonderful memories?

I wiped quickly my tears and stood back up. I had to be strong; I couldn't let myself fall like that because I knew that I wouldn't be able to get back on my feet. If I kept on thinking and questioning everything I would just sink into a depressive state of mind, something I absolutely needed to avoid.

I took a few deep breaths in order to sort myself out and turned back around, jumping slightly when I came face to face with Hedwig who was waiting for me, perched on the window seal. I smiled softly, and took the letter from her, petting her gently.

It was obviously a letter from Harry, maybe telling me how much everyone was having fun.

_Dear Mione,_

_How are you? I hope everything is alright for you. I miss you. Why did you go so suddenly? If you need anything do not hesitate to contact me, please. Even Ron, I mean yes he can be an idiot but we are here for you if you need anything. Anyway, don't drown into books Hermione, I know you._

_Everyone is sending you their love. Merry Christmas Mione._

_Love,_

_Harry_

I smiled softly and went to take a paper and a pen in one of the drawers. I then sat myself at the kitchen table and started writing.

_Hello Harry,_

_Everything is good for me don't you worry. I needed a bit of space, nothing to worry about. I miss you too._

_Much love_

_Hermione_

I attached the small letter on Hedwig's paw and watched as she flew off. I soon lost her, her white feathers indistinguishable from the snow.

I really did miss those two idiots. I sighed, maybe I should go and buy those books I wanted right now. After all, they were the only things which were going to keep me entertained.

* * *

**Third person point of view:**

"Granger?" Hermione heard a surprised voice ask behind her.

"Parkinson." The Gryffindor replied, equally astonished. "What are you doing here?" She then asked. They were after all in a muggle clothing store. What could have possessed the Slytherin girl to put a foot in the muggle world?

"Does it concern you?" Parkinson questioned, furrowing her brow.

The Gryffindor rolled her eyes, and turned back around looking in a rack full of jeans, leaving Pansy's statement hanging in the air.

"I'm here with some friends. What about you?" The Slytherin finally replied.

"Alone." She sighed. She wasn't sure if it was out of frustration with the Slytherin girl or just because of her best friends. _The two_, she decided.

"Weren't you supposed to spend the holiday with Potter and Weasel?" Pansy asked, smirking. _Trouble in paradise for the golden trio, huh?_

Hermione raised an eyebrow. How did she know? Well, maybe she had heard some rumors at school. "Too much noise." She finally replied, putting down the jean she was looking at.

"Or snogging." Pansy laughed, pushing her hair off of her shoulder.

"Or that." Hermione looked at her, frowning. "Anyway, where are your friends?"

"Running around." The Slytherin laughed lightly, for the first time.

Hermione nodded, looking at her in wonder. Pansy was prettier laughing and out of her school uniform. Her light blue jeans and black coat suited her better than the outfit she wore at school and her long brown hair framing her face looked much more beautiful than her usual messy ponytail.

"You're different." Hermione said, still looking at the other girl intently.

"And?" Pansy replied, her defenses coming back suddenly.

"It's strange." The bushy haired bookworm said, in a dreamy voice, rivaling Luna Lovegood's one.

Pansy arched an eyebrow, unconvinced. "Good for you."

Hermione nodded, finally realizing how strange this conversation -and meeting- was.

"Well, I have to go." The Gryffindor said.

"I'll see you at Hogwarts, Granger."

"Merry Christmas Parkinson."

Pansy nodded and turned around.

* * *

**Hermione's point of view:**

Parkinson was definitely strange. Maybe it was because of Ginny and Malfoy. Apparently Parkinson still thought they were going out together when she saw them in the great hall. A knock startled me out of my reverie and I dropped the book I was trying to read on the coffee table. Who could it be? The only person who could come here were my mother's parents and they were somewhere in France…

"What are you doing here?" I asked shocked, when I finally opened the door.

Harry was standing in front of me, smiling slightly with a hand in his disheveled hair.

"Well… I thought you would be happy to see me."

"I am." I smiled, hugging him. I held him tightly during a few seconds and then let go quickly.

"But what are you doing here Harry?" I asked again, mentioning for him to go in and shutting the door quickly behind us.

"Nobody should spend Christmas alone." He shrugged, sitting down on the couch.

I smiled, following him in the living room. "Thank you."

"It's normal." He answered, looking at me softly. I swallowed and rose from the couch. The look he was giving me sent chills up my spine. It was so soft, almost tender…

"Do you want something to eat or drink?" I asked him.

"No thank you." He smiled.

I nodded and sat down next to him again.

"How have been things at the burrow?" I finally decided to ask him after a few minutes of silence.

"They've been fun but we missed you. Luna and Lavender went back to their families for Christmas."

I nodded, waiting for him to go on.

"I didn't think she could have a decent conversation." He suddenly exclaimed, looking intently at her.

"Who?" I furrowed my brows, turning my head to look at him.

"Lavender." He answered me, smiling slightly. "Before we started dating I didn't know she was this deep."

Deep? Did I hear him correctly? I had never imagined that this word would ever be associated with someone like Lavender.

"I'm sorry to say that Harry but you may be a bit confused."

He laughed. "I know this seems strange but I guess we didn't know her that well. I mean, before we started dating I never had any meaningful conversation with her."

"Well I have and that's how I can assure you that she isn't the brightest bulb in the Christmas tree." I exclaimed. Was he crazy?

He laughed again, smiling fondly at me. "You're being mean, Hermione."

"Is it my fault if she has the IQ of a pea?" I asked offended while he laughed even more.

"You know, I should be mad that you're talking like that about my girlfriend." He smirked.

I suddenly stopped glaring at him, realizing my previous word. "I am sorry Harry." I told him, not meaning a word of my fake apology.

"It's okay."

"But really, it's not my fault she's dumb." I continued, as if he hadn't interrupted me. "I spent seven and a half year in the same dormitory as her. I think that by now I know her fairly well to say it."

He smiled brightly, pushing a hand in his hair. Merlin, how I loved when he did that…

"I missed you."

I sent him a bright smile. "I missed you too. But what did you say to the Weasley's?" Surely they wouldn't let him go without an explanation.

"I told them that I would convince you to come back." He answered simply.

"Harry, I don't think you will."

"But why? Did we do something wrong?" He asked, taking my hand in his and squeezing it slightly.

"No. It's just that I need some time to collect myself. I want to be alone for a while." I squeezed his hand slowly when I felt his grip getting looser. "Please don't take it the wrong way but I need to think and being in a house where it wasn't possible to have a minute of peace isn't what I need at the moment."

He sighed, closing his eyes. "I understand but you know you could have come to me."

"It's not something I want to talk about, I have to do it on my own. I need to think and wrap my head around everything that happened. I realized that I didn't give myself enough time for it."

He nodded, squeezing my hand. "I should go then."

I swallowed the lump which was growing in my throat but nodded nonetheless. "I'm really sorry Harry."

"I know. Take the time you need, Mione." He stood up, pulling me up with him.

"Thank you so much." I smiled, hugging him again.

"We will be okay." He whispered in my ears, tightening his arms around me. "I'll see you back in Hogwarts, alright?"

I nodded, smiling tearfully at him.

Harry swallowed, looking deeply into my eyes. "Are you sure you don't want me to stay?"

"I'm sure." I whispered. "I will miss you all."

"We will too." He smiled at me, not letting me step out of his embrace. "I'll write you."

I nodded and kissed his cheek before taking a few steps away from him. "I'll see you in less than two weeks."

He smiled. "You can count on that." He winked before apparating away.

"Bye." I whispered, falling back in my previous seat.

_I'm in love with my best friend_, I thought,_ I don't like him, I love him._

"I'm so screwed." I said, laying down on the couch.

* * *

**Let me know your thoughts on this story ! :)**


	8. Chapter 8: Don't catch me

**Hello! Thank you to the people who followed, and favorited this story and to the three amazing people who reviewed!**

**thebookworm90:**** I think she should give him a chance too! But Pansy's Pansy and she still is a Slytherin, plus Draco kind of wrecked her so love may not be an option for her right now. We'll see what will happen for her. Thanks for the review and for letting me know your thoughts on Pans! :)**

**melkun:**** Oh thank you so much! It's so sweet! :D Here's the next chapter, I hope you will like it!**

**thatharrypottergeekychick16:**** Thank you so much! I try to make Hermione and Pansy act like they usually would but it's so hard! I think that Pansy and Hermione wouldn't be able to jump into a friendship right away I mean it would be too strange. xD I think that a lot of Harry Potter readers/fans… see Pansy as some kind of slut that's why you have a lot of fanfictions like that but I also think that students in Hogwarts see her as one. Anyway, the "Pansy being a slut" thing will be dealt in a later chapter because I think it's an interesting thing to delve into. But don't you worry, she will NOT be a slut because to me she isn't one- you'll see my point of view on that in the chapter I was talking about. I have so much to say about your comment XD It made me very very happy so thank you so much, I really hope you will like this chapter. Let me know what you think! :) Thank you so much anyway!**

**I don't own anything. Enjoy :)**

* * *

**Chapter 8: Don't catch me**

"_Before I fall, too fast_

_Kiss me quick, but make it last_

_So I can see how badly this will hurt me when you say goodbye_

_Keep it sweet, keep it slow_

_Let the future pass, and don't let go_

_But tonight I could fall too soon into this beautiful moonlight"_

_Catch me- Demi Lovato_

"You haven't been to London?" Cooper asked.

It had been a week since we had met him and for a muggle he was kind of nice and had a good sense of humor. So I put up with him for the sake of Gardenia who had taken quite a liking to him. And that's exactly why, a week and a half after I came back home, I was sited in a little Italian restaurant with Cooper, eating the most delicious pasta ever, while snow fell gently on the busy London street.

"Well?" He asked, impatient.

I shook my head 'no', putting some pasta in my mouth. It wasn't a complete lie after all. I did go to Diagon alley or muggle London but not that much.

"Aren't you from here though? I mean, your accent…" He asked, growing serious all of a sudden.

I panicked and cut him off suddenly. "I go to boarding school since I'm little." Hopefully he would just say okay and get back to being the idiotic boy he was before. However, he only nodded, still looking at me intently, looking for Merlin knows what.

"So you don't know London." He said finally, a minute later, smiling brightly like nothing had happened.

I said a quiet no again, confused by his attitude. This guy changed behavior nearly as fast as Longbottom changes cauldron.

"Sacrilege! We have to remedy to that!" He exclaimed.

"How?" I asked, laughing incredulously, still suspicious.

"Well, we'll act like tourists my lady. Come on." He said, taking my hand and tugging me out of my chair. He quickly gave a few bills to a waitress and nearly run out of the restaurant.

"I wasn't finished." I screamed. "Let me go, you barbaric…" I said stopping, and pulling my hand out of his grip.

"We'll eat later, now it's time to have fun!" He said, jumping up and down, before snatching my hand again and starting to run.

"I don't want to." I yelled, trying to yank my hand away from his again, but stopping quickly when I slipped on a patch of ice.

"Yes you do, now shut it."

I huffed, rolling my eyes but ran along with him anyway. _Think of Gardenia, Think of Gardenia_, I whispered to myself. Hopefully, I wouldn't die today.

* * *

"So technically that's where the queen lives." Cooper finally concluded his twenty minutes long monologue on where the Queen of England lived, mentioning to the wonderful fortress behind him.

"Cooper… You do know that I am not daft, right?"

"What?" He asked, turning toward me, making the snow which had already gathered in small mounds in his hair fall. "Of course I know." He said, pouting.

"This _isn't_ where the Queen lives." I told him, patiently, talking as if he was a little child.

"Of course it is!" He screamed. "Hey, in summer we'll even go in if you want! They let people come in to visit all the time!"

I took a deep breath and closed my eyes. I wanted to go home. Scratch that, I _desperately_ wanted to go home.

"They even have an ice rink, come on!" He yelled joyfully, tugging on my hands which had surprisingly been in his since the beginning of this day.

"This is the Tower of London not Buckingham Palace." I told him, defeated while tugging my hand out of his.

"Yeah I know." He answered, looking at me as if _I_ was the crazy one.

"You know yet you still think this is where the Queen lives?" I asked, harshly.

"I have this wonderful theory that this is where the Queen hides herself away from prying eyes." He nodded, smiling brightly.

"This is why people can visit it, I assume."

"She likes people." He smiled, nodding dumbly.

"You're an idiot." I replied, not believing my ears.

"But a cute one." He winked and then smirked. "Come on let's go to the ice rink."

"Cooper, I want to go home." I huffed while he took my hand in his.

"Come on, just a little bit! It's going to be wonderful!" He exclaimed, turning around to look at me.

"I can't." I said.

"Please! Pansy!" He whined.

"I'm really tired and I need to go back to Gardenia." I replied a bit more forcefully.

"Oh okay." He said sadly. "Well, what about we go with her next time? There is one in Hyde Park if you want, you saw it last time! Then we could go see the Christmas tree in Trafalgar square." He smiled slightly.

I nodded and sighed. "She would like that."

His smile broadened. "Come on, I'll walk you back."

"Oh no it's okay!" I answered quickly.

"Let me do it, at least until your underground station." He said.

"No thank you, it's not too far away." I replied, not understanding a word of what he said.

"I'll do it anyway and that's final." He nodded.

I agreed quickly and started walking.

"So I realized that we don't really know each other." He said, after a while of walking in silence.

"And how would you want to remedy to that?" I asked, not harshly for the first time.

"Well let's ask each other questions!" He replied excitedly.

"Okay?" I looked at him questioningly. "You go first."

He nodded, thinking a bit. "So there's only the two of you?"

"What do you mean?" I asked, looking at him and raising an eyebrow.

"Gardenia and you. Do you have other brothers or sisters?"

"No." I shook my head. "What about you?"

"Huh... A brother I think." He replied, uneasy.

"You think?" I asked, laughing slightly. "Either you have one or not." I smirked.

He shifted a bit and finally replied. "Yes, I have one. A little brother, he's thirteen."

I nodded.

"What's your favorite music?" He then proceeded to ask, smiling again, his uneasiness from before forgotten.

I stopped. "Oh… Euh…. I-I like... huh…"

"Wait!" He exclaimed suddenly while I exhaled. "Let me guess!"

I nodded. "Go ahead" I said faking a smile.

"You're the Rebecca Black type of person!" He jumped, nearly falling.

_Black? What the hell?_

"Yes! Exactly!" I answered anyway. I should as well play along with him since I didn't know anything about what he was talking about. Hopefully that Becca wasn't another crazy Black cousin.

He nodded, smiling slightly at me, looking more amused than ever. I sighed softly when I saw that the Leaky Cauldron was just in front of us.

"Well, I'll see you tomorrow." I said quickly before he asked another question.

He nodded and smiled. "Goodbye Pansy. Tell Gard I say hello."

"Will do." I answered, turning around quickly to go inside the Leaky Cauldron.

"Pansy!" He screamed before I went in.

I turned back around, irritated. "What?"

"Thank you for today. I know that you don't really like me so it's cool that you made an effort for Gardenia."

I nodded again and went into the Leaky Cauldron. "Tomorrow, Hyde Park at 3." Was my only reply.

* * *

"I love it here." Gardenia smiled.

I looked around and nodded. Hyde Park in winter was absolutely beautiful but Hyde Park after a snowfall was breathtaking.

"It's beautiful." I told her.

She smiled. "Can we go to the ice now?" She mentioned toward the ice rink where a few people were skating.

"I thought you wanted to wait for Cooper."

She laughed. "Yes but he's coming, look."

I turned around and saw him running toward us.

"You are late." I said when he was at hearing distance.

"I'm sorry. Didn't you receive my text?" He asked.

"Oh." I had forgotten about that thing. He had said that it was to 'keep the contact' or something ridiculous like that but I still didn't understand how muggle could communicate through that without magic.

"Yes I did." I answered. "I just like pointing the fact that you made us wait for nearly ten minutes…."

"Five"

"…In the cold." I finished, ignoring his comment.

"Well I am sorry my lady, now shall we go?" He mentioned towards the ice rink.

"Yes!" Gardenia shouted, taking his hands in hers and running towards a stand which rented ice skates.

"Do you know how to skate?" Cooper asked me, once we all were ready.

I nodded, thinking of the time I spent skating around the lake in Hogwarts.

"I don't." Gardenia interjected.

"Well I will help you young lady."

He winked at her while she sent him a smile, revealing the little gap which now rested at the place of her eyetooth.

"Come on. You're going to love it!" Cooper smiled, taking her in his arms and wobbling until he was on the ice.

"Don't hurt her." I yelled behind him.

He nodded, putting her down.

"Don't let me go." Gardenia yelled, hugging his legs.

"I won't, just take my hand." She did as he said. "Good. Now do the same movement as me."

I had to admit that he was good with her. He knew how to talk to her and how to make her feel safe, something I wasn't sure I could do. I swallowed and joined them on the ice, skating a bit away from them, thinking of everything which had happened since the day I had seen Draco and Weasley together. I was tired of always thinking of him, I knew that it would take time to forget him and as much as I hate to say that, Cooper had helped me forget a bit with all the nonsense which came out of his mouth.

I closed my eyes and reopened them quickly, skating toward my two companions. I was going to make sure that Gardenia kept a good memory of today.

* * *

"It's beautiful." I whispered in awe.

"It is." Cooper nodded, looking at the giant tree intently. "It amazes me every year."

Gardenia smiled, tightening her hand around mine. "It's amazing."

Cooper smiled tenderly at Gardenia. "It is."

My little sister smiled back before looking at me. "Can I approach it?"

"Go ahead but stay where I can see you."

She nodded and moved toward the big tree.

"When I was a kid my parents used to take me here every 24th." Copper started. "We would look at the tree, and my parents would tell me to whisper him what I wanted for Christmas because the tree would then tell it to Santa." He paused, turning around to look at me. I smiled slightly encouraging him to continue. "I never got that motorbike though." He laughed. "But I did get that puppy."

I smiled. His blue eyes were darker in the night, they seem much more profound. He touched my cheek slowly as to not scare me, and surprised me by putting his lips over mine in a tender kiss. He wasn't harsh like Draco, and his lips were much more delicate against mine. I hadn't even remarked that he had inched closer to me when we were smiling at each other.

I stepped back slowly.

"Sorry." He whispered, still looking intently at me.

I nodded while he turned back toward the tree.

"It seems nice." I finally said, once I had collected myself.

He turned a questioning look at me.

"To have parents who cares." I whispered, turning back around toward the tree.

"Every parent cares in their own way." He took my hand in his, squeezing it slightly.

"Don't talk about what you don't know." I fired back, turning back to him and snatching my hand.

"Let's not fight." He said softly.

I stood shocked during a few seconds but nodded anyway.

"It's nearly the end of the holidays…" He started.

I nodded, waiting for him to continue.

"When do you go back to boarding school?"

"Monday."

"It's in three days." He whispered.

I nodded again, looking at Gardenia's face. We stayed silent during a few minutes before Cooper spoke again. This idiot would never be able to stay silent anyway.

"How was Christmas?" He asked.

"We don't… We don't really celebrate Christmas." I replied, swallowing and glancing at him for a few seconds.

"You don't party, and exchange presents?" He asked, surprised.

"My parents sometimes organize a Christmas party as well as a New Year one but this year they attended one which a family friend hosted."

"When I say party it's more in the sense of family, a family gathering I mean."

"We don't do much as a family." I found myself telling him, looking at Gardenia who was still enraptured by the lights which adorned the tree.

When I didn't hear him answer me for a few minutes, I turned toward him and saw that he was also looking at my little sister.

"I bought her a present this year." I whispered ashamed.

He smiled at me. "Let's have our own little Christmas." He suddenly said.

"Look, I appreciate what you're doing for my little sister but I can't accept." I told him. I didn't need the help of a muggle to make my sister happy. What was he trying to do anyway?

"Why?"

"Why does it matter so much to you if we celebrated Christmas or not? We aren't the only one."

"I know but…" I interrupted him.

"You know nothing." I told him harshly. "Gardenia, come, we need to go back home, it's getting late." I yelled toward my little sister.

The little girl nodded, defeated but came toward me anyway.

"Pansy I'm…"

"We will see you… when we will see you. Goodbye Turner." I turned around quickly, tugging Gardenia.

"I didn't say goodbye." She said tearfully.

"You will do that another day." I clenched my jaw, squeezing her hand softly.

"Will we see him again?" She asked me, sniffing a bit.

I didn't answer her. Telling her 'no' would hurt her, and I definitely didn't want to make her hate me more than she already did.

* * *

**I hope you liked it! Let me know what you think! :D**


	9. Chapter 9: I'm not broken

**IMPORTANT! The story has changed. I added a few scenes here and there and 2 chapters! So go read the story from the start! (if you still like it that is xD)**

**Hello guys!**

**So first of all thank you to the people who favorited and followed this story! I am deeply sorry for the long wait but it was for the greater good (xD). Anyway, I had some things coming up from school and from my personal life and I tried to edit the chapters as I said. I corrected the mistakes I saw and I'm sorry for the ones I didn't notice.**

**Let me know what you think and don't forget that reviews are what keeps me motivated :) ;)**

**Dianaanne:**** I don't think Pansy would have been able to do that, or would have wanted to ;) xD**

**Miss-Potterhead17****: Thank you! :) You're so sweet. This is a spoiler free zone! Are you a mind reader? :P Draco won't be that much into the story, I mean he isn't one of the main characters. I'm not going to say anymore things because I already gave you wayyyy too much information! By the way, did you change your username? :) Anyway, thank you so much! :D**

**Edmond O'Donald:**** The story is an AU take on Pansy's life after the war. I see where you're coming from :) I re-read the story and I also remarked that the blank I had left out on purpose where more prominent than I thought and left a hole in the entire story. It felt like I was rushing through the plot so I took the time to fill the blank spaces and come up with better chapters (hopefully). I hope you will like the changes and understand the story a bit more :)**

**izzy1702: ****Thank you and I'm sorry for the wait! :)**

**sailor mercuri o neptune :**** Hey! ****¡Muchas gracias! Estoy muy sorprendida y feliz de saber que usted lea esta historia y que le gusta. Debo admitir que he utilizado un poco el Traductor de Google para que mi español es un poco oxidado. ****Muchas gracias de seguir esta historia, espero que no me torturo tu idioma hermoso! :D Thank you so much! :) I hope you will like the rest of this story!**

**I hope you will like this chapter. I don't own anything.**

**Back to Pansy's point of view**

* * *

**Chapter 9: I'm not broken**

"_And though there are times when I hate you 'cause I can't erase_

_The times that you hurt me and put tears on my face_

_And even now while I hate you it pains me to say_

_I know I'll be there at the end of the day"_

_Broken-Hearted Girl- Beyoncé_

_He kissed me._ How the hell did that happen? I didn't even freak out until a few hours ago when I was trying to fall asleep. The scene just came back in my head and enabled me to get a few hours of sleep. Why would he do something like that? Did he have feelings for me? Was he just looking for someone to fill his bed? I turned around in my bed again, trying to get comfortable but knowing that it was to no avail. I was so confused. It was already 8 am anyway; I should as well get out of bed and get ready for this day.

I wasn't ready to face Gardenia after yesterday; I must have hurt her a great deal with what happened. It wasn't my fault if that muggle was trying to pry into our personal affairs anyway. I had already graciously accepted to spend time with him and it definitely wasn't for him to get the wrong idea and try to act like some sort of savior and kiss me.

Oh god… He kissed me and I didn't do anything. How could I not say something! I had left him manhandle me without saying anything. Was I that desperate for affection that I had to look for it with a muggle?

I sighed, burying my head into my pillow. At least I would never see him again. Hopefully Gardenia will forgive me someday. I groaned, standing up and starting to get ready. Once done, I went to the door, taking a deep breath. _Time to make amend_.

"Gardenia, are you awake?" I whispered softly, closing the big oak door behind me.

"Yes." I heard her little voice answer me, from deep within the covers.

"Well get dressed, we're going to take a walk." I told her, walking toward the bed.

"But it's cold outside." She whined.

"Well I'll put a heating charm on your clothes. Is that okay?" I asked her, sitting on her bed, next to her, and touching her hair.

She nodded, smiling at me. "Why do you want to walk?"

"Well I need to think, and I seem to be better at that when walking. I also would like to spend time with you. I'm going back to Hogwarts in a few days."

She nodded again, putting her hand on mine. "I will miss you. Will you write me?"

"Of course, I will. I'm sorry if I didn't do it before." I whispered softly, hugging her to me. I was going to miss her so much.

"It's okay." She kissed my cheek, tightening her hold on me.

"I love you." I whispered, kissing her little nose while she laughed.

"I love you too."

"Good. Now come on, go get dressed and then we're eating breakfast before going."

She smiled at me again, it seemed like she had forgotten the event of last night. _Hopefully_, I sighed.

* * *

"Parkinson."

I turned around, hearing Hermione Granger call me. Oh my, from now on Hyde Park would be crossed off my list of "where to go in London".

"Are you following me?" I asked her, raising an eyebrow.

"I didn't know that London was yours." She rolled her eyes.

"There are a lot of things you don't know." I smirked. "We see each other too much for my taste." I added, after a few seconds of looking at her. She looked tired. I wonder what's keeping her awake at night. Or who... Maybe Potter finally saw what was right in front of him.

"Anyway, what do you want?" I asked, trying to act civil in front of Gardenia who was looking at us questioningly.

Granger didn't answer and chose to look down at my little sister.

"Hello, I'm Gardenia." Gard' finally said, smiling at the Gryffindor while holding up her hand.

Granger smiled too, shaking her hand. "Hello there, I'm Hermione."

My little sister nodded. "It's a strange name." She said smiling.

The Gryffindor laughed while I rolled my eyes. "It is."

"But it's unique. I like it, Pansy." Gardenia smiled at me. I smiled back, tugging my hand in her beautiful hair.

"Thank you." Granger replied, looking at the exchange. "Your name is pretty too."

"Thank you Hermaionie."

Granger laughed again, touching Gardenia's nose slightly. "Call me Mione."

The little girl scrunched her face slightly and nodded again. "I like it. Where is it from?"

"A book my parents liked." Granger smiled sadly while I nodded. I had forgotten about her parents.

Gardenia only nodded, not picking up on Granger's sad expression, and turned toward me. "Pansy, can I go feed the duck?"

"Of course, but don't wander where I can't see you." I warned.

"I'll stay where we sat yesterday with Coop."

I nodded, watching her run away.

"Coop?" Hermione asked after Gardenia went away. "Is that the friend?"

I nodded again, sighing. "Something like that." I muttered. "So, what did you want?" I asked, with a little more conviction.

"Who is she?" Hermione asked back.

"My little sister. Can you answer my question now?" I replied harshly, my patience growing thinner by the minute.

"You have a sister?" She asked surprised.

"Are you daft?"

She didn't answer but kept on looking at me, her eyes as wide as saucer.

"What?"

"You're different."

"I beg your pardon?" I asked, glaring at her.

"You're different from what I thought. You're still a bully but nicer I guess." She shrugged.

I nodded, laughing sardonically. "Didn't we already have that conversation?" I shook my head and rolled my eyes at her. "I'm not nice."

Granger nodded. "What I meant is that you aren't as bad as I thought. We gave Draco a chance, we could also give you one if you wanted." She smiled slightly.

"I don't need 'a chance'" I replied, not believing my ears. Who the hell did she think she was? "A chance of what exactly? Run in the sunset with the scarred idiot and his equally dumb friends?" I asked.

Granger sighed but didn't reply.

"What are you doing here?" I asked again, once I was calm.

"Walking… I didn't know you had a sister."

"Not a lot of people know that." I sighed.

She nodded and kept quiet again. I smiled and waved at Gardenia who was smiling brightly at me.

"Tell me more about that Cooper. I found it strange that you hate muggles and yet you're friend with him."

"How do you know he's a muggle?" I asked turning back around to look at her, taken aback.

"You just confirmed it." Granger smiled.

I rolled my eyes. "Of course… Anyway, there is nothing to say."

"Maybe Draco will see sense someday. I'm sure it's just a Romeo and Juliet phase." Granger suddenly said, looking at Gardenia who was approaching a beautiful green duck.

"Who?" I muttered, confused.

"Draco." She replied slowly.

"No. Who are those two peoples?" I asked, my brows furrowed in confusion.

The Gryffindor laughed again. "Romeo and Juliet is a book…"

"Okay you can stop there."

Granger laughed again while I went to sit down in the snow next to my little sister.

"You were right." The bookworm said a few minutes later when she had sat down next to me.

"About what?" I asked, genuinely surprised.

"Harry."

"Oh." I nodded. "It was obvious that you were in love with me."

Granger groaned, putting her head in her hands.

"Not too much don't worry. I guess I saw it because I was also in love with a friend… Our situations are completely different, though."

"I'm sorry."

"You don't have to be." I told her, shrugging.

"I know but still. I told Ginny that what she did wasn't thoughtful."

I laughed, looking at her. _Thoughtful_ was an understatement.

"We're not friends anymore." Granger frowned, looking at me. I stopped laughing and nodded but kept quiet. What did she want me to say?

"She asked me why I was defending you. She also told me that I should have been happy for her instead of ruining her life." She laughed slightly at the end.

"Ruining her life? She's what? Seventeen? She has her whole life in front of her." I laughed. "I thought I was a drama queen but she's worse than me."

Granger laughed a bit, shaking her head. "I never thought I would agree with a Slytherin."

I laughed, kissing Gardenia's head lightly. "Did you tell Potter that you love him?"

She shook her head, swallowing. "Why should I?"

"Well, at least he'll know."

"He's with Lavender."

"I know, but I don't think he loves her while I'm sure that the two of you are meant to be… And yes, it does make me sick to say that."

She laughed, smiling at Gardenia who had looked up at her. "Hypothetically, even if he had feelings for me I don't think our relationship would change."

"Every relationship change when feelings develop."

"Yes, but people usually don't go through what we did. I won't do something which could endanger my friendship with him."

"What if he wants to?"

She laughed, looking back at the lake. "I don't think so…"

"You should let him decide what he wants…"

"What happened with Cooper?" Granger suddenly changed the topic of our conversation.

"He kissed me yesterday." I revealed, not really knowing why.

"Oh."

"Yeah, _oh_." I sighed.

"I think that you like him."

"I don't."

"Oh come on, you were smiling fondly just thinking about him the last time we saw each other."

I was stuck there. She was right. I wasn't ready though, he seemed nice but I wasn't ready to put my heart on the line again. I was still in love with Malfoy and this situation with Cooper would just end in heartbreak. _His_ heart would break, of course, not mine. That's why I had reacted so strongly yesterday…

"We're still not friends." I suddenly said.

"I wouldn't see it any other way, anyway." Hermione replied smiling, knowing that I obviously wouldn't answer her previous statement.

I nodded at her, and then looked back at Gardenia. Granger sure was something else.

"What's that?" She suddenly asked, hearing a little beep.

"It's my… my… thing.. to-huh- keep in touch?" I asked, putting the device out of my jean's pocket.

"Oh a phone." She laughed.

I nodded. "Yes, it's been doing that since yesterday." I huffed, rolling my eyes.

She laughed again, shaking her head, making her brown curls bounce. "It means someone has sent you a text." She explained.

"A text? Which means?" I huffed.

She laughed again, taking the… phone?... out of my hands. "Look what's your password?"

"Password?" I asked again while she smiled brightly.

"Let's just try four zero's." She told herself, doing something with the phone. "Correct." She shrieked, smiling at me. "Well… You have 14 messages and 6 unanswered calls."

"Can you please talk normally." I asked her again, angry.

"A phone is something with which you can keep in touch with other people. You can call them, like that, and have a conversation with them, just like we do with chimney but without being able to see them. Text messages are just like letters from owl but without owl and you receive the message from someone on the phone."

I nodded, rolling my eyes. _Miss know-it-all_. "So some people tried to contact me."

She nodded. "Look. Touch the screen there." She told me pointing to something. I did as she told me. "Now you can look at your messages." She smiled.

I nodded, looking at the name of the person who sent those text messages. I sighed, it read Cooper Turner.

"Thanks Granger."

"You're welcome." She smiled. "Aren't you going to read them?"

I shook my head. "It doesn't really matter."

"A lot of things seems like they don't, while they do." She told me, looking intently at me.

"_You matter, I might not like you, but you matter."_

"_Why are you saying that?"_

"_Everyone should hear it."_

* * *

**I hope you enjoyed reading this story! :)**

**Also, I just realized Obsession as become the longest story I've ever written. I hope you all liked the changes I made to the plot as well as the things I added. I started writing this story for fun and I now find myself more inclined toward Pansy. She got more likeable even though I know that this story is very AU. I'm still not sure how many chapters Obsession will have but I hope you like reading it as much as I love writing it.**

**Thank you for sticking by me through these long AN notes. Have a good night/day. Free cookies for everyone!**

**Love xoxo**

**PS: I'm still looking for a beta**


	10. Chapter 10: Going back

**Hello! **

**Here's the next chapter ! I hope you will like it !**

**Miss-Potterhead17:**** Thank you ! :D**

**I don't own anything.**

* * *

**Chapter 10:** Going back

"_Don't take her she's all I've got_

_Please don't take her love away from me_

_I'm beggin' you friend_

_don't take her she's all I got_

_She's everything in life I'll ever need"_

_George Strait- Don't take her she's all I got_

I couldn't believe that these holidays had passed so fast. It felt like yesterday I was coming home to a huge, empty, manor and a horrendous family- minus Gardenia of course. I sighed, twisting my neck a bit, trying to get the never ending tension out of it. It was already 9 am and we had to be at King's Cross at 10. I wasn't sure what to make of my impending journey. A part of me was excited to go back to Hogwarts while another one was terrified to leave Gardenia alone. What would she do once I was gone? What did she do before? Would someone care enough to play and stay with her? Would someone look at her? Would someone take her to Hyde Park and let her play with Cooper again?

I closed my eyes and turned toward the nightstand. _Cooper_. I swallowed the lump which was stuck in my throat at thinking of Cooper and went to take the phone which was resting close to a lamp. I hadn't talked about him with Gardenia since that day. Even at five year old my sister was more perceptive than most people.

I cracked a small smile and looked back at the small screen. What did Granger say already? Four zeros. I quickly typed it and went to the little bubble icon which apparently meant that I had messages.

**Cooper Turner December 28th – 14:47**

Hey Pans' ! Sorry but I will be late! Apologize to Gard for me, please! See you in a few! –Cooper Turner

Oh, that one was from when he was late to Hyde Park, I smiled. It had been a good day… Until the kiss…. Okay, moving on.

**Cooper Turner December 28th – 20:34**

Answer your phone, please

**Cooper Turner December 28th – 20:36**

I want to apologize Pansy, please!

**Cooper Turner December 28th – 20:38**

Please, pick up the phone. –CT

**Cooper Turner December 28th – 20:39**

At least answer my texts…-CT

**Cooper Turner December 28th – 20:40**

I'm sorry Pansy I didn't say it to be mean, please answer- CT

**Cooper Turner December 28th – 20: 45**

Are you really that childish? Answer!

**Cooper Turner December 28th – 20: 46**

I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that but I'm just frustrated. It's the first time I ever begged someone in my entire life! Please pick up the phone and let me explain – Coop

**Cooper Turner December 28th – 20:48**

I'm so sorry, please answer! –CT

**Cooper Turner December 28th – 20:50**

I need to apologize Pansy, please –CT

**Cooper Turner December 28th – 20:53**

I'm really sorry, I hope you can forgive me- CT

**Cooper Turner December 28th – 20:57**

I'm sorry

**Cooper Turner December 29th – 10:32**

Could we meet please? –Coop

**Cooper Turner December 31th – 16:26**

I understand. –Cooper

Why did that last text hurt so much…?

I sighed, putting the odd device down on my nightstand. It was better if I didn't answer him. Forgiving him -even though I admit that I kind of overreacted- would lead to him spending more time with Gardenia and I, which would lead to Gardenia loving him, which would lead to him becoming my friend, which would lead to me telling him about the wizarding world… Not possible. _Definitely_ not possible.

"Hello." Gardenia walked into my room, pulling me out of my thoughts.

"Hey. To what do I owe this pleasure?" I smiled at her, sitting on the bed.

"I came to say hello." She smiled brightly while hugging me tightly.

"Then hello love." I nuzzled her neck making her laugh. "I'm going to miss you so much love." I whispered.

"I will miss you too."

"I promise to send you a letter tonight before bed, alright?"

"Tonight? Is it already time for you to go back?" She asked me, furrowing her brow while her lips quivered slightly.

I nodded, hugging her. "I will write you every day and I'll come see you during the Easter's holiday. Okay?"

She nodded, her big blue eyes shining with tears. "I will write back."

"Good." I smiled softly, kissing her cheek. She tried to smile back but gave up quickly.

"You won't forget about me?" Her little voice wavered while she looked on the brink of crying.

"No. I promise I won't." I pulled her to my chest, kissing her hair. "I'm sorry, I know I wasn't the sister you deserved and I'm still not. I'm sorry if my past behavior makes you think that I never loved you because I always did. I was just afraid."

"You were a little girl." She told me.

"I wasn't a little girl." I huffed. "I was just a terrified one and it didn't give me the right to do what I did to you. I'm sorry." I finished, putting a strand of her hair behind her ear.

"I am too."

"You don't have to be." I told her fiercely, taking her by the shoulders and looking into her eyes. "You have absolutely nothing to be sorry about."

"I'm sorry for mother and father." She simply replied.

"What do you mean?" I asked, utterly confused.

"Well, it must be horrible to leave with such dark ideas." She smiled warmly.

I laughed at that, maybe out of wonderment or maybe because I was speechless. But I laughed, and I hugged her again. If I didn't love her so much I would have compared her to Loufoca Lovegood.

* * *

"What do we have here?" I heard Theodore Nott drawl, looking at Granger.

"Can you please move out of my way?" She asked, glaring at him. Nott was blocking the corridor in the Hogwarts express which enabled Granger –and Blaise and I for that matter- to move on and head to wherever we wanted to go.

"Let me think." He told her, putting a hand to his chin while the other remained on the wooden wall. "No." He smiled.

"Theodore." Blaise nodded, when we approached them both, pulling our suitcases behind us.

"Blaise, how have you been?" Theodore nodded back. I looked at Granger who was passing behind him without anyone seeing her and laughed. Nott looked at me and smirked. "Parkinson, it's nice to see you." He winked.

"Let's sit here." I told Blaise pointing at a vacant compartment to my right, not acknowledging Nott. Blaise nodded and mentioned for me to get in first. I heard him say a quick goodbye to Nott while I sat down on one of the banquettes.

"So, how was the end of the holidays for you?" I asked, looking out of the window. There were still a few late students saying a rushed goodbye to their parents. The only goodbye I had was from Gardenia and it was enough. It tore my heart in two to see her cry while holding on to me so tightly. Even my promise that I would write and that the Easter holidays would be soon didn't calm her. She didn't want to be alone again. She was the exact opposite of me. While I enjoyed being alone, she loved people and could see kindness in everyone even our parents.

"As good as can be." He shrugged, looking as bored as I felt.

I nodded and put my back against the window, blocking my view from children and their families. There was a time when I was young that I wished my family cared enough to see me off when I went to Hogwarts. At least Gardenia wouldn't have to feel like she was in a bottomless pit. This was the way I felt every time I left home without even a goodbye from my parents. Then again, Gard' would not attend Hogwarts… But whatever school she would go to later, I would try my hardest to be at her side.

Blaise pulled me out of my thoughts when I heard him sigh. I realized suddenly that he didn't know about Gardenia and that I should maybe tell him now instead of waiting for him to find out when Granger would open her mouth at school.

He would be so mad. How could I tell him without him thinking I… "I have a sister." I suddenly blurted out, opening my eyes wide. Okay, this definitely wasn't the right way.

Blaise turned toward me, surprised.

"What do you mean?" He asked after a few minutes of silence, frowning slightly.

"I… Look Blaise I know I should have told you…. not a lot of people know it… she was a secret… I…." I stopped, pulling a hand through my hair, my speech as incoherent as my thoughts. I took a deep breath and started again. "I didn't want to tell you because I was forbidden to, not even Draco knows about her. I've been foolish enough to think that she was something we should keep out of people's knowledge because she's a squib. That's why you never met her." I sent him a small smile. I was looking at him intently, trying to gauge his reaction.

He was also watching me, confused.

"I have a sister." I repeated again. "She's five and she's special you know. She's clever, and she has so much love and compassion it's unnerving." I laughed, my eyes filling with tears. "She's so much better than all of us." I whispered. "And I know you're mad and I'm sorry, so very sorry."

"I'm not mad." Blaise said after a little while.

"Are you sure?" I asked, my voice wavering.

"We all have our secrets." He shrugged.

I nodded, smiling at him but he was looking out of the window. I went to sit next to him and took his hand in mine.

"I'm sorry."

"I know." He replied still refusing to look at me.

A few hours passed without any of us speaking. Blaise seemed to be in his own little world.

"We'll be arriving shortly." He broke the silence which had descended upon us, still looking out of the window.

"You know, you never really told me what you wanted to do after Hogwarts." I told him, looking at our hands which were still holding tightly onto each other.

"Your words make it seems like I have a choice…. Do I have a choice?" He laughed humorlessly. "I'm going to work for my dad, and once he will decide to retire I will be the one to take over the family business."

I nodded at his bitter response. "I'm sorry." I squeezed his hand.

"You shouldn't be. I at least have something to do, I know what is planned for me." He said, turning toward me.

_Low blow_. "Sometime it's good to live in the moment." I fired back.

"It's not the way we live here, Pansy." Blaise replied, eyeing me tiredly. "We don't have dreams, we can't afford them, and our lives are already planned out. We know who we have to marry, what job we will be doing, and the routine of each day…"

"Well, don't you think it's time to change the way we live?" I asked, cutting him off. I sighed and looked out of the window, knowing how pointless this conversation or my statement for that matter, was. Things couldn't change, it was already too engraved in people's mind.

"Not so long ago you were one of us." He said, looking at me. "You were also afraid of taking the chance of running after your dreams and you were terrified of how your parents and the wizarding world would react."

"That's true." I said, tonelessly.

"What changed?" He asked.

"Nothing." I replied at a loss.

"Pansy, I know you. You wouldn't have done any of those things if something hadn't happen."

"Gardenia." I supplied.

"Only?" He fired back.

"Everything. I didn't like me anymore." I whispered, my eyes filling with tears. How I could forget that Blaise knew me so well was beyond me.

He squeezed my hand, trying to comfort me. "You know we will talk about all of it right?"

I nodded. "I also know you're mad."

He nodded back. "Come on, I'll let you change first. We're nearly there."

I turned toward him and sent him a small grateful smile while he stood up. He smiled back and kissed my head, going out of the door and closing the curtains with him. Hopefully that talk wouldn't happen today, I was already emotionally drained.

* * *

I winked at Blaise who went to sit down next to one of his dorm mate while I continued down the Slytherin table. It was kind of good to be back, I didn't miss it but it was still great to see the candles floating above my head and the teachers supervising everything. I sat down right in the middle of the huge Slytherin table, smiling slightly.

"A place fit for a Queen." Theodore Nott smirked at me while taking a sit in front of me. "Shouldn't you be sitting with the paupers?" He asked, mentioning toward the end of the table where a few shy first years were sitting. The perfect spot if you wanted to leave the great hall quickly.

"It isn't my family who is in bankruptcy." I smiled, turning toward Dumbledore who was going to start his boring speech.

"We aren't." Nott said fiercely, his voice could barely be heard behind the booming one of the headmaster.

"Really? It isn't what I heard from my father." I smirked innocently, inclining my head a bit.

He swallowed at that, looking uncomfortable_. I got you there love,_ I thought. Theodore's father was one of my father's _friends_ –if we could call it like that. Sometimes they also worked together, that's how I could without a doubt pull out information about his family. I just had to listen to my father when he was in his study, making floo calls and such.

"If someone here learns about this, it would put you in a really uncomfortable place." I smiled, twirling my hair around my finger while looking at Dumbledore who was sitting down. "You wouldn't want it to spread around, would you?" I asked, turning toward him and ignoring the food which had magically appeared on the table.

He nodded, glaring at me.

"Good. Now shut it, I'm hungry."

"What do I have to do to keep you quiet?" He spoke harshly, putting food in his plate.

I laughed, looking back at him. "This conversation had only one goal and it was for you to know that I had some blackmail material on you and that, if I see you cross _any_ lines or if I see you say or do something I don't like, I will just have to spread the little informations I have about you." I smiled, raising an eyebrow as if to emphasize my point.

"You will regret this." He told me harshly.

"I'm pretty sure I won't." I winked, smirking. "So now if you would excuse me I will start eating." I smiled, waiting for him to acknowledge my statement.

He nodded, passing a hand in his hair and went back to his plate.

"You were wrong though. If there is a Slytherin Queen it's definitely me."

"'Course, I never saw someone has bitchy." He replied with his mouth full and an angry glare.

I rolled my eyes at his foolishness. Nott was an idiot.

I sighed and dared a glimpse at the Gryffindor table. Would Draco be there with the Weasley girl? I let my eyes glide over the many red and gold ties looking for a speck of green and silver. Instead, my eyes caught those of Hermione Granger who just frowned a bit, looking confused. I nodded at her, smirking and turned back toward my food. The event of today left me absolutely famished and my search for the Slytherin_ prince_ –as if…- wouldn't do me any good.

Once I finished eating I decided to go to the owlery and write a quick letter to Gardenia. I had promised after all.

I forgot how much I could miss her. The fact that I had kind of forgotten her existence had lessened the hurt and the hole inside me I guess. How could I forget her though? This question couldn't stop turning inside my head. Was I as hopeless and cruel as other people paint me out to be? Once I had wrote the letter I put it on a beautiful white owl with black markings and watched as she flew away from the beautiful sight that the castle must have been at night.

I guess I should go back to my dorm now. It was something I was putting off on purpose. Who would want to share a dorm with snobby brats who were going to make your life a living hell? Well, not me. Maybe I should just take my stuff and go sleep in the room of requirement…. But if I chose that option people would talk again and say that I'm fragile and still hurt over Malfoy. Life was a complicated mess.

I took a deep breath once I was in front of the Slytherin common room entrance. _Here we go_.

I muttered the password and walked quickly until I stood next to the door of my dorm. Strong, I had to be strong… and mean, and sarcastic… they wouldn't understand sarcasm. _I need to be strong, I need to be strong_, I whispered to myself again and again while opening the door.

"Pansy! I missed you." Daphne grinned, opening her arms wide once she saw me cross the threshold. I frowned, taking a few steps back.

"Oh, so you learnt about my father gains then." I looked around the room at all the faces of my _lovely_ roommates. Did they forget our arguments or something?

Daphne's smile failed a bit but came back quickly. She strode toward me to put a hand on my shoulder, winking cheerfully. Daphne being cheerful… Well the world has ended.

"We're friends Pansy." She told me softly, her lips still stretched into a fake and obnoxious wide smile.

"No. The only thing I am is rich." I told her, smiling sweetly. _God, I liked being mean_.

"You're not the only one." Milicent grumbled, glaring at me while Daphne took a step back.

"It might be true, but I'm still the richest." I told her in the snobby tone I mastered during my stay at Hogwarts. "Now, as I understand by your behavior, your dear parents told you to befriend me again even after Malfoy's little stunt, huh?" I asked no one in particular.

"Of course not…" Daphne started.

"Cut the crap, please." I interrupted her. "So, someone is going to answer me?"

"Even if they did, why would you care?" Millicent said snidely.

Is she an idiot? I could play with that.

I smiled slowly, formulating a plan. "Well we could make an agreement."

"An agreement?" Another eight year girl who I hadn't bothered to learn the name asked.

"Yes, you leave me alone and I will let you tell your parents that we are friends."

It was funny to watch each faces come up with a different reaction.

"What would be in it for us?" Millicent asked. "I can already lie to my parents and tell them that we are friends."

"What if our parents asked people in this school? We leave you alone and you act like one of us in public." Daphne countered. I always knew she was the brightest.

"Exactly." I nodded at Daphne. "So, do we have an accord?" I asked, looking at all of them.

"Yes." Daphne agreed, pursing her lips.

I heard a chorus of yes afterwards. I guess Daphne became their little queen.

"Well, wonderful! Now I'm going to bed, I will see you tomorrow." I winked, going to my bed and laughing.

I changed quickly and laid down on my bed, pulling the curtains around me. Maybe the end of the year wasn't going to be so bad if I could control those idiots.

Whoever said blackmail will get you anywhere was right… _Well, that was me but still_, I smiled, pulling the cover tightly around me.

* * *

_Dear Gardenia,_

_I hope you are alright. It is late so my letter will be short. My journey to Hogwarts has been very good but I miss you terribly. I'm starting classes tomorrow and I will tell you all about my day in the letter that I will send you. What did you do today? I hope you had a good day._

_I love you very much and I can't wait until the next holidays._

_Love,_

_Pansy_

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**Thank you for reading! Let me know your thoughts about this chapter ;)**

**Good night/ day**

**xoxo**

****PS: I'm still looking for a beta! :)****


	11. Chapter 11: Apologize

**Sorry that I'm posting only right now, I had some trouble at home and at work.**

**Vegasman59****: thanks for the reviews :)**

**luv-my-pug-roni2010**** : Thank you so much, I hope you like this chapter :)**

**keepdreaming0031****: Thank you so much! You're nice :)**

**Sarah-rose76646**** : In this new chapter I planned to mention Pansy and Gardenia's nanny and to introduce her in the next one (which is nearly finished), because obviously her parent's don't take care of her and I don't see house elves doing that either (I don't know if there is any indication in the books about house elves 'raising' pure-blood's children but it's just my opinion that they wouldn't).** **I should have maybe introduced this character sooner, it definitely is a mistake from my part :/. Some five year old can read and write (I worked with some children who could). Reading and writing doesn't have an assigned ****aged. For Gardenia, I'm not sure if you noticed but even when she speaks I tried to use high society words (which I'm not sure if I managed to do since English isn't my first language) because even if her parents think she isn't worth it she's still from a pure blood family which means that they all talk with haughtiness and big words even in front of kids, I mean I just can't imagine a little Draco Malfoy going around and talking like all little kids XD I just see a baby talking like his Louis 14 and throwing hissy fits everywhere he goes because he didn't have the toy he wanted XD. I'm not sure if I answered your question, I tend to ramble a lot sorry! I don't think that Gardenia could read (or write) a whole letter by herself that's why I introduced in this chapter Miss Flora their nanny, who I actually should have introduced sooner but the inspiration for her character only came when I was writing the chapter 10 because I had the same questions as you. I hope I didn't go off topic, that I answered your question, and that my rumbling didn't put you off :) **

**I don't own anything.**

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**Chapter 11: Apologize**

"_Wishing I could hear your voice again_

_Knowing that I never would_

_Dreaming of you won't help me to do_

_All that you dreamed I could_

_Passing bells and sculpted angels_

_Cold and monumental_

_Seem for you the wrong companions_

_You were warm and gentle »_

_Wishing you were somehow here again- From __The Phantom Of The Oper__a_

Waking up was the hardest part of my day. I looked around, trying to see if any of the girls were there. They were all sleeping peacefully under their heavy blankets. I sighed appreciatively, standing up. Last night had gone surprisingly smoothly and our little arrangement would definitely make my life easier. I took my toiletries and my clothes and went into the bathroom in order to get ready for my first day back at Hogwarts. This morning was going to be long. I had History of Magic first with those idiots -I mean those Gryffindors- and then Charms with Ravenclaws. Hopefully those two classes would pass quickly, I didn't fancy spending an entire morning surrounded by bumbling idiots. An hour and a half with Gryffindors was surely going to lower my mood… Just thinking about it makes me want to throw myself out of the Astronomy tower

Once I had completed my morning routine I descended into the common room, intending to go have breakfast. Unfortunately for me, my plan was delayed by a blond boy sited into an armchair, right in front of the chimney.

"You changed." Draco Malfoy told me, looking disdainfully at me.

"And that's coming from the boy who's going out with a Weasel." I sarcastically replied, rolling my eyes, choosing not to dwell on the fact that he was talking to me and not avoiding me like he was doing before the holidays.

He didn't say anything and chose to look at me intently instead. It was like he was looking for something. A hint of hurt? Nervousness maybe? Love?…

"What do you want exactly Draco? We already had that conversation." I told him, feeling more and more nervous under his gaze.

"I'm supposed to apologize." He replied harshly, standing up from his seat and passing right in front of me.

"You had a talk with Granger or something?" I laughed in disbelief, tucking a strand of hair behind my ear.

He didn't reply and kept on walking until he was out of the common room, leaving me with a few questions.

"That went well." I muttered to myself, shaking my head making my brown hair bounce a bit.

I huffed slightly and followed him out. Maybe I should ask Granger what this was all about. It wasn't as if I had never talked to her anyway.

Anyway, my little encounter with him wasn't going to change my mood. This day was going to be a nice day and that was all. No Malfoy or Greengrass were going to change that.

Once in the great hall, I went to take the same seat as yesterday and ate quickly, looking around to see if Granger was there. I wanted that talk before classes and I had thirty minutes to seek her out. My breakfast finished I stood up quickly, sending a brief nod to a tired looking Blaise and went in search of the Gryffindor girl. Malfoy's apologies- if we could call them like that- were obviously absolutely surprising. First because a Malfoy never apologizes and second he would never apologize to me. The only people who would ask him to apologize to me would be Blaise and Hermione but they surely wouldn't _want_ to do it. I mean, Blaise wouldn't want to because he's not really on talking terms with the blonde idiot, but Hermione couldn't because Malfoy would never listen to her… I sighed, my thoughts were all over the place, maybe Granger would help me make sense of everything.

When I finally found her it was in front of our History of Magic classroom. She was lining next to the door, an open book in her hands as always. I looked around a bit and approached her.

"Classes begin in approximately twenty minutes." I started, softly, as to not attract any unwanted attention from the student who were also in the corridor.

"I know." She replied, tonelessly.

"Can I talk to you?" I whispered, looking around to see if anyone was looking at us.

She nodded, jaw clenched and we went into an empty classroom a few minutes away from ours.

"Malfoy came to talk to me this morning." I told her once I had closed the door and approached her, a look of disgust painted across my face.

"Isn't that good?" She asked, confused, sitting on a chair in the first row.

"He came to apologize." I answered flatly.

"I still don't see the problem in all of this." She answered, swallowing, pushing her hair out of her face.

I rolled my eyes and huffed. "He looked like he wanted to kill me." I continued, still looking at her intently, waiting for a reaction.

She sighed, and wriggled in her seat, looking uncomfortable. "Ginny asked him to go apologize to you because she wanted to mend our friendship." She finally told me, turning her head toward the window while biting her lips before looking back at me.

Weasley? I hadn't thought about that. I nodded anyway, face blank, urging her to go along. I didn't have all day after all. "So are you two friends again?" I asked when she didn't talk again.

It was her turn to nod. "I'm sorry if you feel kind of used." She whispered looking at me for the first time. "I know this is…"

"I don't care." I interrupted her. "It's good for the both of you I guess. Just try to keep him away from me." I told her, turning around with the intent of getting to class. I stopped suddenly and swallowed. "Apologize shouldn't be forced." I snapped, closing my eyes at the stupidity of my statement.

"All of this hurt you greatly." She whispered.

"We have to go to class." I answered through greeted teeth. Hurt or not it wasn't her business. I didn't need pity.

"I'm sorry." I heard her say while I kept on moving toward the exit.

I didn't reply and went out of the door and toward our history of magic classroom. She could play the friend all she wanted, I didn't care.

There wasn't a lot of students in the classroom. Most of them had dropped the subject after taking their OWLS, judging this subject to be boring and unnecessary. It didn't stop the classroom to be 'divided' in two though. On the left were the Slytherins and on the right the Gryffindors. Even after the war the hate was still there and as prominent as ever.

I sat down in the second raw on the left side of the classroom. I took a parchment as well as my quill and some ink out of my bag and proceeded to wait for Binns to walk through the wall and start talking.

"In 1689 the Statute of Secrecy was signed by most wizards' country in order to hide the wizards from the muggles and thus stop the burning of witches." The ghost suddenly appeared, already rumbling on and on about the wizard seclusion of 1689.

During the next hour and a half, I busied myself and took notes, forcing myself to forget about the talk I had with Draco and in consequence the one with Granger. Why people couldn't leave me alone was incomprehensible. Didn't I suffer enough? Sure I was a real bitch before (and now too) and I did some things which I'm not proud of (and some which I am) but it doesn't mean that I don't have a heart. I'm still a human being for Merlin's sake. Why the hell that Weasley girl thought apologizing to me would mend her friendship with Granger? Sure the stuck up know-it-all had defended me but why the hell that would put an end on their friendship? They were supposed to be the best of friends and surely something like that wouldn't put an end on a friendship… Unless they weren't really friends to begin with… Ah Potter might have come in between those two idiots! Funny…. Potter attracting girls…. Ah! What a funny concept!

"For next class I want a foot of parchment on the consequences of the wizard seclusion after the signature of the Statute of Secrecy in 1689." Binns concluded is long monologue.

I sighed, _here goes my evening_ I thought. I needed to go to the library to get the books I needed in order to get this thing done tonight.

I went out of the door and went directly to Charms, I didn't want to see any of my so called classmates. _Idiots_, I whispered passing a group of giggling second year.

"Pansy." Granger whispered, trying hard not to attract attention. "May we talk tonight please?"

What did she want now? "I think I asked you everything I wanted too." I replied, as if it was obvious.

"Please." She stressed, turning toward me a bit while still walking.

"9, the empty classroom in the first floor." I finally relented.

She nodded and kept on walking quickly toward whatever class she had next. What she had to tell me had better be important.

I shook my head and huffed, stopping next to my Charms class's door. Please, no more homework, I thought watching the teacher open the door leading us inside.

* * *

After my last class of the day, which was Ghoul Studies, I went to the library. Every class had given a foot or so of homework to do for the next classes and I really had to begin to do them right now if I wanted to keep up. This year had been the hardest since I started Hogwarts. Homework came from left and right, giving us little time to spend on anything but them. Hogsmeade's weekends were most welcome now and were a great stress reliever.

Once in the library I went to the farthest table which was buried deep within bookcases and thousands of books. I sat my things on the table and went to search for books which would hopefully help me for my work. Once I had everything I went back to my table and decided to start with the easiest subject which was Ghoul Studies. I still didn't understand why I had taken the subject but it was the easiest thing I've ever had.

Thankfully, it took me less than an hour to finish and I promptly got started on my History of Magic essay.

I was halfway through the second book when I saw someone look intently at the shelves were History of Magic books were stored.

"Where is it?" I heard a voice whisper, looking at the books. Apparently Longbottom had decided to start his essay today too.

I sighed and stood up quickly, walking toward him. I was beginning to be too nice for my own good.

"Here." I said, handing one of the books I had previously taken to Longbottom. "I had finished anyway."

He nodded, not really knowing what to say.

"Well, goodbye." I finished the conversation. Either he was dumb or his ears were not functioning properly. I rolled my eyes at my thoughts and scurried back to my table.

Once 8 rolled around I decided to give myself a break and to go to dinner. I would then go to see Granger.

When 9 finally arrived, I entered the classroom on the first floor. Granger was already there, sitting on one of the chairs of the first row. I closed the door and lined on it.

"So, what is it you wanted to talk about?"

"I think they're in love." She told me quietly.

I laughed cruelly. "Thanks for the information." I glared and turned around putting my hand on the handle.

"There was a time when I thought Ginny was only doing that to defy her parents…"

"But it isn't that, right? Why are you telling me this anyway? It is not my business anymore." _Didn't I suffer enough?_

"Love is complicated but you shouldn't put other people to the side like he did to you."

"_This_ has nothing to do with you." I replied harshly, while taking a few steps toward her.

"Well sorry if I'd like to think that you have enough humanity to be hurt by what he did." She exclaimed.

I scoffed. "Are you serious?" I marched toward her. "Are you fucking serious? What about him? Does he have enough _humanity_ to be guilty over what he did? I don't think so. He didn't look that guilty to me this morning. And even if I was hurt what the hell does it have to do with you?" I slapped my hand on her table, eyes blazing with a fire I didn't know I possessed. Hurt and anger swirling inside me, confusing themselves and me. "He made his choice clear, he already hurt me, there's nothing more to add to the story."

"We all need someone to talk to." She whispered, leaning back and looking at me with tearful eyes.

"And what? You think that to me that someone would be you?" I laughed in disbelief.

"If you wanted to. I know heartbreak…"

"Oh please! That story with Potter is getting old." I scoffed rolling my eyes.

"There are different types of heartbreak." She told me softly. "You can be hurt because someone publically humiliated you as well as stumped on your heart and shattered it in the process." I scoffed but she didn't spare me a glance. "You can be hurt over being in love with your oblivious best friend who already has a girlfriend. You can be hurt because your best friends are ignoring you and think you're some type of snotty know-it-all. You can be hurt because you're alone and you know that even your closest friends don't understand you. You can be hurt because you don't have anyone anymore…" Her voice cracked at the end.

"You have Potter and Weasley." I told her my voice getting softer when I saw the haunted look in her eyes.

"Yes, but they aren't the people who keep me awake at night, wishing they were here to see me, hug me, talk to me…" She trailed, a few tears spilling which she quickly wiped off, putting her head in her hands.

I was out of words. The girl who I hated since forever just confided in me. What was I supposed to say? Poor you? I'm sorry? It will be okay? All of those sounded crazy and unemotional.

"You know, people are wrong. It won't get better with time it will just get bearable." She looked at me with her chocolate eyes filled with tears but also a certain strength. "You just have to live with it and try to go on without losing your mind." She continued, shrugging. It was obvious she was on the verge of a break down.

"You're doing a good job." I tried, looking around briefly.

She smiled slightly, teary eyed. "I'm a good pretender." She whispered softly.

"I am too." I nodded, swallowing and looking down.

"We can pretend together then." She softly replied.

"We could." I replied immediately.

She cocked her head to the side, furrowing her brow slowly and then sent me a small smile once she understood the meaning behind my words.

"We should go back to our dormitories."

She nodded but made no move to stand up. "I'm going to wait a bit, try to regain some composure." She answered my unasked question.

"Okay." I whispered. "Being strong is good but you have friends and why would they be here if it wasn't to be there for you during your hard times?" I asked her, trying to smile slightly. "Good night." I told her, before I went out the door.

Once I had closed the door, I lined on it slightly, closing my eyes. Granger was definitely something. I sighed, trying to shake off the sadness I felt for the girl I hated…. The girl I used to hate?

* * *

_Hello Pansy,_

_I miss you a lot. Mr Bunny and I would like to know if we could go into your room to play? I hope it doesn't boter you. Flora says hi._

_How is Hogwarts? I hope you are well. I love you._

_Gardenia_

* * *

_My dearest Gardenia _

_I miss you too. I hope Mr Bunny is behaving or else no more tea for him. You can go in my room when you want love, at least one of us will use it._

_Hogwarts is alright but it lacks something and it is you. Anyway, I had my first homework given to me today and I handed the one I did with you. Hopefully the professors will find them to their liking._

_I love you, take care of you._

_Pansy_

_PS: bother and not boter; Flora, thank you._

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**I hope you liked it. Sorry for the mistakes.**


	12. Chapter 12: tentative friendship

**Thank you all for the follow, favorites and reviews. **

**I own nothing. Sorry for the mistakes. **

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**Chapter 12:**_ Psychopath and tentative friendship_

_Dear Pansy_

_I miss you a lot. Father and mother are going to France again and I will stay at home with Miss Flora. She's funny._

_Is anyone mean to you?_

_I love you_

_Gardenia_

I smiled rereading the letter Gardenia had sent me. It was obvious that it had taken her some time to write such words as Hogwarts. She obviously had looked at my letter in order to write some words. The force with which the feather had been used for some letters was clearly seen and the little scribbles on words which she had had wrong were also scattered here and there. It was also quite obvious that Flora, our nanny –who was in charge of the children in my family since I was born- had helped her write and read the letters. Flora had always been shocked and affronted by the way our parents treated Gardenia, but like any normal human being she was scared to speak up, our family being some of the dark lords most fervent followers. The poor woman was a nice, quite, middle-aged witch who had dedicated herself to raising other's children.

I missed her and it was only two days since I had last seen her. Sighing, I stood up and make my way to the bathroom, I had classes to attend and I was already running a bit late.

* * *

"Of course, there were a few consequences after the signature of the Statute of Secrecy in 1689." Binns started his class where he had left off last week.

I groaned and started scribbling. _Why the hell did I choose to continue this class?_

Ten minutes after the class began, the door flied open and in came a red faced Neville Longbottom, mumbling an unheard apology to Binns who was still deep into his lesson. He then went to sit down in Gryffindor's side, under the Slytherin's taunts and cruel laughs- mine included of course. It was only the start of our second week of school since the Christmas holiday and he was already late. I shook my head slightly at his stupidity and went back to my task. I hated history…. Wait, no, I hated Binns. That old fool couldn't even die properly.

This school year was going to be the death of me. At least I hadn't seen Daphne and her little group of stuck-up idiots. Then again, I definitely wasn't looking for them… Well, until our little agreement will force us to, at least, spend a few minutes together. At that thought, shivers run through me. I had to do what I had to in order to survive here, and having Daphne's groupies far away from me was one less burden on my shoulders. School was getting harder and harder and it felt like all of my spare time was passed head deep in a book.

Talking about that, tonight I needed to spend a bit of time at the library to study for that stupid potion test, and then go grab a bite. If I wasn't obliged to make an appearance at diner I would have definitely skip it to go to bed early but unfortunately I was forced to grace those lower class fools with my presence to show that I was definitely over Draco. Apparently people still thought I was obsessed with him. I do not really know if I am completely over him but I do know something and it's that I'm _not_ obsessed with that fool. That ship has longed sailed. Draco was wrong for me… And I may have been wrong for him too.

I sighed, sending a quick glare to Binns wishing he would just shut up already. After a few minutes of looking at him in absolute despair, I finally relented and put my head on my folded arms on the table, and fell asleep for the reminder of the class.

* * *

Once school was finished, I quickly made my way to the library to study for potions and try to catch up on all the things I missed this morning in my History class. Surprisingly, once there, I found Blaise sitting quietly in one of the corners by himself. I smiled and went to his table dropping my bag on the mahogany wood, startling him. We hadn't talked in a while, probably because of the information I had dropped on him two weeks ago, when we were on our way to Hogwarts.

"Hello there." I smiled while he looked up surprised. "Did I scare you?"

He shook his head, his eyes going back to the parchment in front of his eyes.

"Are you alright Blaise?" I asked, trying to be nonchalant, knowing that he didn't like people meddling with his life when he was in a bad mood.

He groaned, nodding, his hand quickly jotting down something on his parchment.

"Do you think we could talk later?" I asked quietly, looking intently at him. I still needed to explain myself about Gardenia.

"I'm busy." Came his court answer.

"So _later_?" I asked, looking around and seeing Weasley and Potter talking together while sending a few glances at Granger who was sitting a few feet away from them, clearly avoiding them.

"Pansy." I heard Blaise groan. "I can't do it right now, I have this thing to finish and Rogue's potion exam to study for. I also need to look at a few paperwork father sent me…."

"What?" I cut him. "What are you talking about?"

He groaned again, putting a hand on his face. "Pan's, can we do this later? I'll explain."

I nodded, slightly angry. "As will I." I sighed, defeated.

"Good." He nodded.

Instead of leaving him like he surely thought I would, I took a few books out of my bag and sat down at his table, intending to do my homework. This was going to be a long year.

* * *

That night I decided to go for a walk, trying to clear my head from all the things that happened recently. First my "friendship" with Granger, than Blaise's animosity toward me, add to that the few thoughts of Cooper which startled me at night, oh and let's not forget my broken heart… Merlin, my life is a mess. Sighing in frustration and ready to rip my hair, I climbed the stairs of the Astronomy tower, hoping that the harsh wind of January would sooth me. Surprisingly, Granger was already there, sitting on the freezing floor.

"Are you following me?" I asked, jokingly, approaching her.

She looked taken aback to see me but smiled slightly, shaking her head, not answering me.

"So, what's going on Granger?" I asked, sitting down beside her. "It's been what? A week?"

She nodded. "Harry broke up with Lavender." She replied, looking at the sky.

"So he finally saw the light, huh?" I laughed, turning my head to look at her.

Granger faced me, affronted. "Saw the light? If you're talking about the fact that Lavender is an absolute nutcase then yes, he did."

I laughed again, looking back toward the dark night. "You and I both know I wasn't talking about that."

Granger huffed and shook her head. "You're crazy."

"I already knew that." I told her, shrugging. "Tell me something I don't know."

She smiled slightly and didn't say anything.

"So…. Are you going to do something about it?" I broke the silence again, shivering slightly from the cold.

"About what?"

"Granger, I'm affronted. You're taking me for an idiot."

"Something you definitely are not?" She asked, raising an eyebrow, smirking.

"Exactly." I nodded.

She smiled and then sighed. "I didn't finish."

"What?" I asked, not understanding.

"I didn't finish my news. He broke up with Lavender because he think he's still in love with Ginny."

"What?" I asked again, this time wide-eyed and surprised. "Is he insane?" I screeched, changing my position in order to be able to look directly at her.

She smiled. "You know sometimes, I think so… Anyway, we kind of had a fight." She finished, wincing slightly.

"I understand why." I replied, smirking, while she pursed her lips slightly. "He is not insane, he's a freaking psychopath."

This time, Granger let out a laugh, shaking her head. "I kind of told him that. "

"Really?" I interrupted her, not able to contain my laughter.

"Yes!" Granger exclaimed. "I told him he was only feeling this way because he was seeing her with someone else. He never liked Malfoy and now we have to see him nearly everyday because he's going out with Ginny, who is Harry's ex-girlfriend. I told him that he was just paranoid and jealous and that all of this came from the fact that he thought Malfoy was trying to steal what was his and that he had issues which he should resolve." She bit her lips and looked at me. "I think I was a bit mean."

"I don't think I follow you."

"Well, I'm not saying that my fellow Gryffindor love Malfoy but they tolerate him now." At my arched brows, she smiled and clarified. "Girls are all over him."

I laughed. "Figured."

"Anyway, I kind of told Harry that the lack of feminine attention may have caused his jealousy." Granger scrunched up her eyebrows and laughed lightly. "It's all logical in my head but I'm not sure I'm as eloquent as I think I am."

"No, I understand. But I don't think it's because of his popularity with the girls. I think it has more to do with the fact that Malfoy's taking his place as "the love of Ginny's life" and so he's jealous. When you told him that, he freaked out and screamed."

"Yeah. He said something about me not understanding him and always butting in on things which shouldn't concern me." She rolled her eyes, angry.

"What are you going to do?" I asked, standing up to lean on the railing of the tower.

"Why should I do something?" The Gryffindor asked, walking next to me.

"Well, aren't you in love with him or some shit like that?" I said rolling my eyes at her.

"Aren't you supposed to hate love?" She asked, not answering.

"Oxymoron." I just replied, pulling my cloak closer to my body.

She just laughed and we both turned to look at the sky and the little stars scattered around it.

"I'm not going to do anything." She finally relented. "Maybe my feelings will go away with time."

"You believe that?"

She sighed. "I don't know… I need to focus on school anyway. Plus, if somebody needs to apologize it's him."

I nodded. "I thought you would have been a bit more… destroyed by this."

"By the fact that he's in love with someone else? What's new in the situation?" She turned to look at me. "I'm still the know-it all bushy meddler best friend. I've resigned to the fact that all his feelings toward me will only be platonic. To tell you the truth, they are times when I'm destroyed and desperate for his attention and there are times where I just tell myself that there are more important things like school and life in general…"

I nodded again. I understood her feelings quite well. One moment you're desperate for affection and you just want someone to be there for you and hold you and then, there's the time where you scared of getting close to someone who's just going to break your heart and you'd rather focus on more important matters. Also I think that Granger's "important matter" had more to do with her parent's death and the grieving process which was still going on (if she had taken the time to start grieving that is), something I wasn't going to bring up here.

"Do you know what you're going to do after Hogwarts?" I asked, to change the subject.

"I sent an application to Witchcraft University. I was thinking of becoming a healer." She shrugged. "I'm not too sure. What about you?"

"I don't know yet. Healing's quite a great choice."

Granger nodded and yawned. "Well, I think I'm going to bed." She smiled at me. "It was nice." She shyly said, laughing. "I can't believe I said that."

"Believe me, me neither." I said, eyes-wide.

"Well good night." She said, though her statement sounded more like a question.

"G'night Granger." I nodded and turned back toward the sky while she left the tower.

I sighed and passed a hand through my hair. I never thought that from all of the horrible things that happened to me, some sort of alliance with a Gryffindor would come out of this. I never had a friendship with a girl before… Well, a true friendship which didn't consist of jealousy, hatred and faked smiles. Hopefully, I wasn't making a mistake by being nice to Granger.

* * *

_Dear Gardenia,_

_It is wonderful news for you love. You will be able to go out and have fun. Do give me an account of all the things you and Flora will do. Do not forget to behave and not to venture out of her sight._

_Do not worry about me, I am alright. I miss you a lot._

_With love,_

_Pansy_

* * *

**Next chapter: the talk with Blaise, Harry and Hermione fight again, Draco and Ginny being disgusting, Pansy being disgusted, Hermione ranting because she hates everyone, the world and Ron can't stop eating. **

**If anyone wants to beta: pm me, review, anything.**

**Thank you for reading, I hope you liked it.**


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